The Thinking Minority

For those of you who don't have time to watch the American Idol finale tonight, not to worry - I'm here for you! I'll keep you updated. It's almost as good as TiVo!

Here we go...

The 2-hour season finale? Seriously? It’s not one hour – it’s two? Jesus Christ.

Hm, no intro to the show, just Carrie. And Taylor. Gee, way to broadcast the results, guys. Show last year’s winner, then this year’s. Good job. Oh yeah, and there’s Kat. Whatever.

Am I a bad person for not liking Katharine? I even hate the way she spells her name. I know, I’m a bad person.

Weird, segment one of the AI finals, and no Ryan at all. Was he in the potty when they got started?

There’s Ryan! Gee, he could’ve shaved. This is the Big Night and all.

Ben Stiller and Heather Locklear! Are they dating or something? Wasn’t she dating David Spade? Can’t she do better than that?

Do we really need to meet the judges again at this point? Yes, Randy says “dude” a lot. And Paula is an emotional drunkard, and Simon is a jerk. A jerk who really likes his own lips. And is sporting a nice jacket, a sharp shirt, and a lot of chest hair tonight.

Soul patrol! McPheever! Drink!

Ahh, the hot twins. Hi, hot twins. How are you doing? Nice to see you, hot twins.

Paris. Nice. Ok. I don’t really have anything to say about this.

Ooh, I just can’t wait to see “So you think you can dance” – and not only because it lacks any punctuation.

Chris and Live. Interesting, two bald lead singers. How will we tell them apart?

Ha, Ryan just said “which is which?” Ha.

Ryan is making fun of Kellie Pickler. This is GREAT. Puck and Pickler. I love it.
Okay, the segment isn’t that funny. Mostly…just…sad. Yes, Kellie, glasses will make everyone take you seriously. Eat your ESS-CAR-GOTTEE and be quiet.

Wow, Meatloaf sounds awful. And, quite franky, looks awful. Standing next to Kat doesn’t help him. And his being a complete melodramatic freak doesn’t help either. He looks like he might kill Kat. Run, Kat, Run!!

Am I the only woman who is NOT reassured by the Dove commercials with the flabby pasty women?

Golden Idols? Ha. Way to fill 2 hours, guys.

Best Female Vocalist – remember that awful blond tan thing with the bad fake tan? She was really bad. She learned her awfulness from her mom. Her mom should be sterilized. Sorry. I’m a bad person.

Best Male vocalist – BUT THEY LET THAT FREAK THROUGH TO HOLLYWOOD. SERIOUSLY. WHAT THE HELL?? How surprising, he showed up to accept the award. WHAT A FREAK. QUICK, CUT TO COMMERCIAL.

Puck and Pickler again. Pickler is an idiot. Boil that damn lobster and put it on a plate, please. Actually, if you don’t have any plates, that’s fine. Gimme.

Okay, all the guys are performing. You know, these 5 would make a great boy band. The rocker, the kid, the hick, the pretty boy, the good singer. Perfect. Man. Seeing all these guys together just reminds you how incredibly young Kevin is. Poor little guy.

The AI videos are stupid. Although Taylor does move like a parrot.

A free Mustang convertible. Who cares? Tell us who won!!

Another Golden Idol. Proudest family moment. Awww. Clearly Elliot’s mom has to win this one. She made me cry! I mean, she made people cry. Other people. Not me. And McPhee’s dad is a big sap that no man could possibly respect. And Chris’s wife lost me with the “like” in “because he’s, like, given me and my kids so much.” Woohoo for Elliot’s mom!

Elliot is singing “One” – I love this song! This is great! Yeah for violins! Wait, is U2 about to sing? Seriously? They got U2?

No, they got Mary J Blige. Uh, ok. Whatever. This sucks. What the hell is wrong with her? Take off those stupid glasses and quit ruining this song.

Carrie Underwood at least has the sense to not roll around on the floor when she doesn’t want to stand the whole time. Blah, blah, country, blah blah.

Um, what is wrong with Toni Braxton? Seriously? Is anyone else seeing this? Is she singing? What’s wrong with her? Is she too busy lusting after Taylor to enunciate or project into the mic, or….what the hell? Boys and girls, don’t do drugs.

Girls’ song. Ha. W-O-M-A-N. They should NOT have chosen a song with spelling in it. Pickler looks uncomfortable.

Are they really letting the Clay wannabe sing? Wait, is that Elton? No, it’s Clay. Clay, looking like Peewee Herman. The Clay wannabe is in shock.

Okay, Lisa Tucker is really funny-looking. There, I said it. I’m a bad person.

Ha ha ha. Pussycat, pussycat. Poor Kevin.

Dione Warwick? I wonder if she knew she was going to be on this show.
I also wonder who’s had more to drink tonight, me or Paula. Oh, who am I kidding. I’m a lightweight.

Male bonding. It’s not as risqué as they make it sound. Okay, with this soundtrack, maybe it is. Aww, remember the Brokenote Mountain guys? That was funny. The first time.

I’m confused. Ryan said we were done with performances, that we were gonna have results. Then, with no introduction, Prince. Or whatever he’s called now. Is he our new American Idol? Hm. It seems like his two dancers had about 15 minutes before the show to work out their routine.

Results. For the love of God, just tell us that Taylor won and let us go to bed. We’re tired. We’re sick of singing. We’re a little tipsy. PLEASE, RYAN, PLEASE.

Wow, this is that guy's one chance to be on TV, to hand the envelope to Ryan, and he wears a checked shirt with a dotted tie? Really? Silly paper-pusher.

Of course it's Taylor. Hm. That was kind of anti-climatic. Wow, I still don't like Kat. I'm very glad she just lost. I'm a bad person.

Is that David Hasselhoff? Boy, they sandwiched Taylor's win between Prince and David Hasselhoff. Very nice.

Hm, Taylor did this song better last night. Oh well. Aww, he’s so nice, thanking everyone.

Well, that’s it. This show could’ve been about 15 seconds long, but we made it through 2 hours. Well done, everyone. It’s good to know that I’m not the only one with nothing to do on a Wednesday night. Goodnight!