The Thinking Minority

An important, urgent correction from Gene's chat:

Gene Weingarten:
I received an important correspondence from Patrick Murray, creating an urgent need to correct a serious error from last week’s chat. I do not know how this happened, and will look into the matter immediately, but apparently a chatter submitted a bogus new-name generator for the Captain Poopiepants story! Here is the real generator, culled directly from the book by Patrick’s wife, Stinky.

First chart: Use the first letter of your first name to determine your NEW
first name.

A - Stinky
B - Lumpy
C - Buttercup
D - Gidget
E - Crusty
F - Greasy
G - Fluffy
H - Cheeseball
I - Chim-Chim
J - Poopsie
K - Flunky
L - Booger
M - Pinky
N - Zippy
O - Goober
P - Doofus
Q - Slimy
R - Loopy
S - Snotty
T - Falafel
U - Dorky
V - Squeezit
W - Oprah
X - Skipper
Y - Dinky
Z - Zsa-Zsa

Second chart: Use the first letter of your last name to determine the
first half of your NEW last name.

A - Diaper
B - Toilet
C - Giggle
D - Bubble
E - Girdle
F - Barf
G - Lizard
H - Waffle
I - Cootie
J - Monkey
K - Potty
L - Liver
M - Banana
N - Rhino
O - Burger
P - Hamster
Q - Toad
R - Gizzard
S - Pizza
T - Gerbil
U - Chicken
V - Pickle
W - Chuckle
X - Tofu
Y - Gorilla
Z - Stinker

Third chart: Use the last letter of your last name to determine the second
half of your NEW last name.

A - Head
B - Mouth
C - Face
D - Nose
E - Tush
F - Breath
G - Pants
H - Shorts
I - Lips
J - Honker
K - Butt
L - Brain
M - Tushie
N - Chunks
O - Hiney
P - Biscuits
Q - Toes
R - Buns
S - Fanny
T - Sniffer
U - Sprinkles
V - Kisser
W - Squirt
X - Humperdinck
Y - Brains
Z - Juice

Sadly, as Patrick points out, the world must revolve around reality, not unsolicited email. I am no longer "Zippy Girdlechunks," but "Fluffy Chucklechunks." And the president of the United States is no longer “Goober Chickenshorts” but merely “Fluffy Toiletshorts.”

The Washington Post regrets the error.