The Thinking Minority

Finally, someone understands how I feel about the upcoming election. Of course, for me to vote for Bush, they'd have to prove that Kerry was a cannibal...and I mean, an actively practicing cannibal, not like he just experimented with it in college.

::crickets chirping::

Hello?

Anyone out there?

Man it's quiet.

Shhhhh. Be Vewy, Vewy Quiet. You might wake up the Blog.

Oh, come on people, his name was SPANKY. Not Sparky, not Bozo, not Chuckles. Spanky. Someone had to see this coming.

I don't think the concern here is getting anywhere faster, or having to slow down or move for runners/bikers...I think the concern here is hitting people. Drivers have to worry about hitting people, and people SHOULD worry about being hit. It seems, often, that they don't. "Hit me - I need the money."

Running on asphalt makes sense - but choose asphalt where the speed limit is 25, not asphalt where the speed limit is 55. I don't WANT to hit you, but I will - not because I don't feel like being slowed down by you, but because you're dumb (and by "you" I mean Joe Blow The Charlottesville Jogger, not Leila or Jelani or any of our beloveds who run. They're not dumb like Charlottesville Joggers...).

Yes,

Self-importance among drivers is an issue, one that I can't address right now. My issue is people that perform self-important actions that may cause them to be hit by my car. This is not because I feel more important than them, but because even though they prefer to submit them (human) to a Darwinian contest with my vehicle (plastic, glass, and metal), I'd actually have a bad day if I hit them. Since this is a pedestrian town and I've lived here for 10 years, it's something I have to live with, but walking, running, or riding blindly into the street is not acceptable. My anger is squarely focused on these people - the ones that apparently don't want to live and want to sue me for it. After that, my anger is focused first on traffic lights and then anyone else in a car.

The overarching problem is that when people are driving a car they incorrectly think they are more important than anyone else who might have to use the road...slowing down for 5 seconds to go around a biker or a runner isn't going to make you get to your destination any later...if you haven't allowed yourself enough time to get to your destination that's your own problem, not one that should be taken out on non-drivers. That same stoplight 100 feet down the road is going to get you, then the next one, then the next one...all the while the runner/biker will be taunting you by repetitively passing you while you sit and burn up dinosaurs. Focus your anger on the other drivers because they're the ones keeping you from getting where you want to go.

Alas,

It hurts. I understand. However, that doesn't remove the responsibility I have or a runner has to make sure I don't hit them (mine is that I'm driving the car, their's - survival). My reasoning behind this: no one is always looking.

Pedestrians, runners, and joggers use the road as if they were invincible. We've strayed away from simple street crossing practices such as looking both ways (or looking at all) and respecting the power of a car. I've tried running. It does hurt. Cars hurt more. Crap, I left cyclists off of my rant. Include them too.
DAMNED PEOPLE ON BIKES.

As a person who has been running in the road, probably directly in front of your vehicle, for 9 years, I can answer your question. We run on the road because the asphalt is a lot softer than the concrete sidewalk. Each time you take a step while running, you hit the ground with a force at least three times your body weight, so we look for the softest surface we can get in order to not snap our shins mid-run. I have seen tons of runners with multiple stress fractures, but so far, none who have been hit by a car. Feel free to drive on the sidewalk...Maybe you will take out some of those pesky joggers*.


*A jogger is NOT the same thing as a runner. :) Just in case you wanted to know

Yo,

A few things today:

1. To the runners (and some special pedestrians), why is it ok for people to run in the street (sometimes two people even run in the street side by side!)? And why is it that when you run in the street, you must pretend that there's no car coming at you? Honestly, I've been thinking about taking the V for a spin on the sidewalk. Then, I'd pretend that a pedestrian wasn't coming at me. Hilarity ensues.

2. Check out www.nice-tits.org

3. George Knows Black People! - I just needed a #3.

So, we have a part-time position open right now. Three days a week, 3-9 on M/W and 10-4 on Saturday. Starts at $8/hr. Mostly customer service and answering questions. Pretty slack. So why do we have two (2) employees who have said they'll come in and work, and then don't show up - without any notice or phone call or message or anything...? Who thinks it's ok to just not show up for work - and who expects to still have a job after that???

It's funny to me that we report on every little mundane event of famous people's lives. On the other hand, the image of President Bush falling off his trike is also funny to me.

A radio DJ down here gave male callers the option between drinking 5 gallons of goat vomit or getting kicked in the balls by your ex-girlfriend for 5 minutes. Which one do you think most men chose?

EEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Now I've read everything.

Speaking of celebrities giving their children CRUEL and UNUSUAL names....

Too bad this child hadn't been born when that previous list of horrible baby names was made.

What is wrong with these people???

I need a decent crosscut paper shredder that's less than $199. Anyone have any ideas where I can get it?

Now This is pretty cool. I'm sure you've all seen it, but its kinda fun. I stumped it with overalls and notecard, but it got asparagus and watch pretty easily.

Wow, John. That guy really hates women.

But then, so do I, so I guess I can't blame him. Even if he did call me a whore.

Ok there's another link on the left...this is it:

Dave Chappelle was right?

Edit: After a closer look, this site is indeed offensive. Be humored with care.

Those of you who don't have email at work and are going crazy - check on the new link on the left. There are just pages of activities designed to enhance your productivity at work.

Glad to be of service.

Wow. That's a lot of blogging (from people other than me) in one day. I'm so impressed.

I suppose I can announce this now (since I got to tell Tom and Meghan in person last night): John's brother-in-law is having a baby!

Hello, from the laziest mofo of them all! Given the continuous, uninterrupted time i spend on the internet, you'd think i'd blog more. It's sad, but true...If Michael did add blogging to my to do list, I probably would blog more. I'm such a lemming!

Wow,

Tyson and Meghan post in the same day? I'm going to shit a brick. Or maybe pass an apple...

Tyson:

"Shhh" was originally recorded by Tevin and was written by Prince (of course) and is DIRTTY. It's also recorded on Prince's "The Gold Experience". I'm interested to hear the Alicia Keyes version. In any case, I have the other two if you'd like them.

Meghan:

As I strain to not make anymore bad apple puns...

I'm just glad they didn't name the child the ever popular UH SHOW LAY. That would be an AS SHO LE move. My favorite names will always be Moon Unit and Dweezil.

Apple? You've got to be kidding me. And if you keep reading that's not the worst of them. My God what are these children going to do when they get the S*** kicked out of them on the playground.

My Remedies exam was a joke. It tooke me thirty minutes! This could mean one of two things:
1. I nailed the class and, consequently, will continue as "The Man"

2. I need to ammend my fall schedule to include Remedies.

In any event, I have one more two-hour exam to go! It is 25 multiple choice questions. As easy as that sounds, it is a wolf in sheep's clothing. Last semester, he gave us three hours to do 30 questions and I still missed eight of them.

This horrible nightmare called exams will end promply at 8pm tonight, unless I finish early.

oh yeah, Good Morning.

I think we're getting a dog - a beagle to be exact.
A lady from a dog rescue place is coming Saturday to check out our place and make sure we're not psychos. Then Sunday, we're driving an hour to check out some doggies! Yay! Here is the life story of a dog we think we want. Funny how this dog has a life story but I don't.

Kramer

In response to the 'must post' post below:
Craappee is a lazy mofo unless she has a list of things to do (she told me as much last night). So, I'll add 'post on blogger' to her list.

This is not funny - I'm just trying to educate everyone about the importance of managerial ethics.

This time, I plan to do everything in and out of my power to get to the airport on time. Even if I have to hitchhike a camel from the side of 95N (oh yeah, we have those here in Florida).

Bad News: Two more exams to go.
Good News: Two more exams to go!

Click on this link - and search for 'Portsmouth'

We have been married for less than a year...John is always right.

And, the turtles are not nameless. They are Myrtle and Fred. The fish are nameless.

Tom,

This was the last line of the article...

Later that year, he married Harlan, who was 50 years his junior. Randall met her through his National Actors Theatre; former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani performed the ceremony.


And for more see THIS:





A news article. - See the article below it as well.

I have no comment about the post above this one.

a) John is right. People should post.
2) John is right. JB better not miss his flight.
3) John is always right.

Smitty,

You seem to be at work very early. How is that going?
Rich is still MIA and Rob is well, Rob. Meghan has been silent for awhile now. Craappee can't be working that much. What's going on?
I have a large project (can't stress how large it is) to finish by August 2 and yet I still post. POST...so I have something to do other than sulk about being abused by the state.

Oh yeah...and JB better not miss his flight next week.

I'm tired like a mofo and that is pretty mofo tired.

Ahhh...a perfect match. This is the funniest thing I've read in a long time...

I am a lonely blogger.

How to survive your commute!

I know I'm weird. I know I shouldn't feel this way. Since becoming a homeowner, my feelings should have changed. But - I love hurricanes.

Well, this didn't take long.

This is the best thing I have ever read in my life. All TRUE.

I have to say: I think we (and by we, I mean "they" or "he") have gotten a bit loose with the giving out of sainthood. I mean, one of her "miracles" was that a sick woman recovered after pregnancy...?

As if there were any doubts....

Ummmm....I think the PEOPLE are asking!

Smitty,

I need more than that...

you need a connection
and recordset

Dim conn as connection
Dim rec as recordset

conn.Open
Set rec= conn.execute(your shitty command goes here)

this works in asp...should work in access...Tom would know better than I do...but this SHOULD work...

John, Access VB Question!

SqlCmd = "SELECT Min(ID) FROM STD_RBC"
//Attempt 1
RowNumber = dbs.OpenRecordset(SqlCmd, dbOpenSnapshot)
//Attempt 2
RowNumber = dbs.RunSQL(SqlCmd)

How can I get this to work? It doesn't.

Oh this is just GREAT publicity. JUST FREAKING GREAT.

I now crown Jelani the King of Long Posts.

I think, though, that common law and insurance must have differing definitions of attractive nuisance. In this case, according to insurance rules, attractive nuisance means that the dog is enticing (as are trampolines and swimming pools) and so the owner is liable for any damage he causes, even if the child trespasses to get to the dog/trampoline/swimming pool. Any way you look at it, the owner is liable. Bad owner, bad.

I realize that this is a very long post. I also now realize that email would have been easier. Please realize that I have no room for common sense now and I will purchase some at a later date (hopefully immediately after exams). This email, however, embodies all of my Jax complaints.

Thy Must Knoweth The Rules To Live In Jacksonville:

1. You must learn to say the city name correctly. It is usually referred to as "Jax".

2. You must be a Jaguars fan. It is a requirement for citizenship. Also, you are either a Gator or a Nole. You have no choice. If you abstain, you will be assigned a team. There are no other schools. It's better to learn that sooner than later.

3. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. No one pays attention to them here. Merging, yielding, and right-of-way are completely foreign terms. [No turn signals in cars, either]

4. To find anything in Jax it is required that you know where Regency Square is. It is the Alpha and the Omega: the beginning and the end.

5. Directions to anywhere may, and usually do, make a reference to "the old Pic and Save".

6. The morning rush hour is from 6am to 10am. The evening rush hour is from 3pm to 7pm. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

7. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

8. East Rd. meets West Rd. on Beach Blvd, but they both run North and South.

9. Normandy Boulevard, State Road 228, Cecil Field Road, Maxville Road, and Post Street are all the same road.

10. On the southeast side of town, Hartley Road, Shad Road, and Hood Road are all the same road. Hartley Road is the western part of the road, and Shad Road is the eastern part of the road. Now don't be confused about this Hood Road. This is the West-East part that is in between Hartley and Shad, not the North-South part that starts out as Old Kings Road South, changes into Hood Road South, and ends at Losco Road. Got it? [Guess this explains how I always end up on Hood Road when I turned off Phillips Hwy (South) onto Old St. Augustine Road, heading East to San Jose? I can never tell because it's always dark by the time I get to Mandarin.]

11. Construction is a permanent fixture in Jax. The barrels are moved around in the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

12. Watch very carefully for road hazards such as deer, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, pot holes, cats, pieces of other cars, single shoes, opossums, truck tires, raccoons, squirrels, rabbits, crows or vultures feeding on any of these items.

13. The minimum acceptable speed on J Turner Butler Blvd is 75mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. This is Jacksonville's version of NASCAR.

14. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously.

15. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 55 zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly.

16. Ground clearance of at least 12 inches is recommended for city driving.

17. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.

18. There are really only two seasons here: Summer and January.

19. There is actually a Westside high school that has a confederate battle flag as its school flag, an image of a slave plantation owner as its mascot, and Dixie as its school song. Just accept it. Please don't make a fuss about it, for your own safety.

20. Ponte Vedra is to Middleburg as oceanfront is to double-wide.

21. If you choose to live in Orange Park, or, God forbid, Middleburg, plan to leave for work at 4am and return home around 11pm. Otherwise you may get caught in what can only be described as "the world's longest left-turn lane".

22. Don't get here late and expect something to eat. After 9pm, your choices are Famous Amos, Village Inn and Krystals.

23. You can buy a million-dollar condo downtown on the river, but
you have to drive 10 miles for a loaf of bread, and never after dark.

24. The Landing is an interesting place. Every time you visit, there will be a whole new set of restaurants, fewer stores, and less parking. Hooters, however, is a permanent fixture.

25. All city council decisions must be signed off on by First Baptist Church.

26. You can't drink alcohol and see topless girls at the same time. But, if you agree to drink Diet Coke, you can see them fully nude.

27. North Phillips highway. Don't go there. Ever. Unless, of course, you are looking for motels that charge by the hour.

28. Learn all of the lyrics to every Lynyrd Skynyrd song. Trust me on this one.

29. If you like southern-style barbecue, you've come to the right place. There's a restaurant on every corner. But, they all close at 9pm.

30. Convenience stores are literally EVERYWHERE, unless you live in a million-dollar condo downtown.

31. No matter where you want to go, you can't get there from where you are...in other words, you can't get there from here

Dogs are not attractive nuisances according to tort law. However, due to tort law reform, dogs are no longer allowed one free bite before the law steps in to prosecute the animal for habitual human chewing.

Animal bites are now a strict liability issue. If it is your dog and it bites, you are liable to the bitee (the lunch that is).

The only discretion the judge has is whether to put the dog to sleep or to move the dog and he chose the latter.

Those who say that dogs are an attractive nuisance or that the bitee assumed the risk of the bite were right under common law. Under modern law, however, they are now wrong.

Dogs are not an attractive nuisance because they have been found to be inherently dangerous and thus it is the owner who is responsible for the dogs actions (kind of a respondeat superior for animals and their owners). As for assumption of the risk, people assume the risk of petting the dog (ie, dog hairs, licks to the face, drool on the clothes and in the mouth, etc.). You cannot assume the risk of being bitten unless you intentionally provoke the dog to bite you (hold a piece of raw meat and taunt the dog).

The courts are very careful to protect the rights and innocense of women (HA!) and children, especially young children. It takes a lot to prove to a court that a child possessed the requisite intent to taunt a dog or that the child was aware of the consequences. It is not like water or fire where children learn very early that fire burns and water stops your breathing. A child can play with a puppy and never learn that the dog will eventually bite (this knowledge comes immediately if the child meets a mean dog, but later if the child only knows nice little puppies).

Therefore, the woman is liable, but the judge, who probably owns a dog, used his discretion to allow the canine to live. If the dog bites again, it will surely die and the judge will come under scrutiny.

Forgive me for I have just written an exam and it takes all of my will power not to go into the constitutional ramifications of why this law is applicable.

I am going now to watch a beer and have a movie, but not in that order or method.

The dog is an attractive nuisance. I don't care how fenced-in he is, if he bites people, he's a problem.

Doggoneit.

Dear Wannabe Lawyer and Former Insurance Peddler,

Do you care to discuss the merits of both sides of the situation here? So much to say about this, but I'm still on the fence.

JB's Number:

seven octillion, eight-hundred seventy-six septillion, four-hundred seventy-eight sextillion, seven-hundred ninety-three quintillion, eight-hundred forty-seven quadrillion, six-hundred thirty-seven trillion, eight-hundred twenty-seven billion, six-hundred forty-six million, five-hundred fifty-seven thousand, three-hundred eighty-nine

Here's my summer holiday rundown:

Memorial Day my parents are coming up here to deliver some old furniture of theirs to us. Given that I also possess a sleeper sofa, there's still room for you!

Independence Day I'm going to Vegas for Sam's bachelor party.

Labor Day I have no plans ;)

Michael

A few funny excerpts from the last Cav Daily Lead Edit:

The Lost in Syndication Award goes to Bob Saget for his complete incompetence at stand-up comedy. Where's Danny Tanner when you need him?
The Best Special Effects Award goes to the IMP Society. Really, there aren't enough out-of-control bonfires on the Lawn.
The What Are We Compensating for Award goes to the Diversity Center and its 61-inch plasma television.
The Perfect Storm Award goes to Hurricane Isabel. It takes a real force of nature for the University to cancel classes.
The Best Anachronism Award goes to the Charlottesville Police Department for its use of cutting-edge technology within a painful centuries-old context.

You can view the whole thing here. Though the last two are irritatingly self-reverent.

Just as a by-the-way, I am featured in Gene Weingarten's chat, which I linked to earlier, this week - doing what I do best: shooting someone else down.

Smitty: soon enough my friend, soon enough. BTW what are you doing for Mem Day?
Jelani: can you write that number out in plain english (can anyone)?

The jig is up! I do love my sevens.

As for the subservient chicken (which brings up horrible legal thoughts of easements) things he will not do:

Hump the couch again (he did once)
Hump the camera
Hump himself
Hump the floor

And some other things that I would rather not publish. They would, however, have been funny to see a chicken do.

But why, Jelani, why? I don't like that I can't look at the posts and type at the same time. It makes it difficult, for example, for me to observe that you don't seemto like 0s, 1s, or 2s, but you seem to be a big fan of 7s.

I do not like this new format.

Now my original reason for posting:

If I had to choose between an originalist's and a nonoriginalist's approach to interpreting the Constitution, I would shoot them both, burn the Constitution, forget it and they ever existed and have myself a beer.

Reason #7,876,478,793,847,637,827,646,557,389 to hate law school

Eight children under the age of 3. Dear Lord.

Who's coming to visit me soon?

By the way, anyone who's bored around noon can read/participate in Gene Weingarten's (author of that Mother's Day article I linked to) chat. He reviews comics. If it asks you to register, you can enter "a@be.com" and "1234" ...

Man...those people are crazy. The education-haters, I mean. They're nuts.

Ivar Jacobsen was here on Friday. Only the computer dorks will know who he is.

What's interesting is that knowing about the Subservient Chicken may be exactly what makes me uncool. I'm not sure though...today I made him throw up. Does anyone have any other links to add to the sidebar? What do you guys think of the new format/our new template? Did you hear that I AM getting a raise this year (and I think state taxes were lowered)? Who shot JR? Finally, does this dress make me look fat?

What I like most about the new budget? Cigarette smokers will have to pay (a little) more taxes on their smokes. It's only funny that the taxes are so low on something that has proven to be a massive health problem. Next they should raise taxes on fast food. That would be progress.

These people are actually against education. See...now making blanket statements like that is probably incorrect, but they seem to think poor people are the only reason they pay taxes. I guess having one of the best school systems in the nation isn't a good enough ROI, but I'd bet they'd be pissed if their kids weren't getting into the good schools.

I sent John the Subservient Chicken a few weeks ago, and what does John do? Makes the poor chicken get naked. Try making him do a backflip - it's a cop-out, but kind of funny.

They blocked all the email sites...but not blogger? Interesting. Any way to telnet in or something? I don't know, you know more about computers than I do anyway, so I should stop trying to help.

Gonna be a long, boring day...

You guys are probably so cool you already know all about this but I just found out and think it's funny. Tell him what to do!

http://www.subservientchicken.com/

I tried "cross the road" but apparently the people at Burger King aren't as clever as I am. Anyway, push ups and jumping jacks are entertaining.

Van Helsing ScreenIt Review:
"Off-screen sex is implied, while part of a male monster's butt crack is seen."

Woah! I'll let your imagination run wild with this one.

Anyway, someone tell me how I can write email before I go insane. All the web email sites are blocked.

You'd think this site was a joke, but it's not. These people actually watch these movies, and listen to this music, and take notes - in detail - on all of the bad parts, supposedly with the purpose of allowing parents to screen these things before their children see/hear them. Now...maybe this is just me...but I would think you could say a movie has "lots of bad language" or "uses every curse word, repeatedly" and people would get the point. But no, they have to tell you every phrase someone says in the whole movie. You'd think they could just say that there's lots of sex and graphic nudity and bad bad stuff, but no, they describe every last detail of the sex scene. I can't quite put it properly into words right now, but does anyone else see the irony here??

Yep. Alone at the Baxton's. Alone are the Baxtons. Yes, indeed.

Hmm...that is annoying. I guess the Baxtons are alone in Bloggerville.

Hm. The blogger format has changed. Me no likey.

Me lonely blogger.

Incidentally - HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

This is adorable - it may ask you to register, or it may not because it's my link and I'm registered, but if it does, just register, ok? You can give it a fake email address if you're worried about spam.

Rock on. Are you counting down?

Here we go, once more.

Delta Flight 404 will be in Richmond at 9:50 on May 25th.

Which Food Network Chef
are you?

Talk about ESPN. I had the feeling that I needed to check the blog today and wow! Well, I will be in Richmond something around nine something. I could easily check now, but if I do not get into the shower, I will suffocate myself. Must blog later, getting light headed.

Hey JB, what time you gettin' in on the 25th? I took off the 27th and 28th - vacation - woo! Time to party.

See, Tom, that is precisely why I asked John that, and asked on the blog - but, it ruins the joke when Mr. I-Don't-Look-At-All-The-Options-Before-I-Choose doesn't look at all the options before he chooses...

Really, I was just digging for a compliment. Woo.

Problem is...I didn't see that answer at all. Definitely would have said it though. For it is true. Woo.

Recently married.

Which Food Network Chef
are you?


And John, what was your answer to "Are you married?"

I've finally figured it out. I now know the problem with America: mothers.

Come on, lady - HOW STUPID ARE YOU? I understand wanting to believe your child, wanting to proctect them, wanting to believe everything they say, wanting to be on their side, but - there's VIDEO, and she was EXPELLED. WAKE UP.

Which Food Network Chef
are you?

ha...ha ha....ha ha ha....HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.........HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

That's what this just made me do at work.

Also, some people just shouldn't drink and fly with dogs.

Today our Big Boss, Pete, is here to visit. He is making sure we are all doing our jobs correctly and making money. I'm afraid that we're not.

John - to help you get through class - things that make you go, huh?

Class again! YAY! I'll bitch more next week. Someone say something funny or interesting and where's Rich?

I'm in class!!!!! YAY!!!!!

Maybe Tian Tian isn't looking for that kind of committment right now?...

WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THE NAMES?

Ling Ling and Hsing Hsing? UNORIGINAL BASTARDS.

He didn't get her pregnant, but he gets an "A" for effort....

Awful.

Hmm, all quiet on the homefront. Any news? Any info? Any embarassing wash room stories?