You know what I think is evil?
This and this.
also,
This and this.
Notice anything?
A conversation heard in the health food store today between a 4-6 year old kid and his parent:
Kid: Dad, what Tofu-key?
Dad: That's Tofurkey.
Kid: Ok.
Pause
Kid: (pulling on Dad's shorts) What's Tofurkey?
Dad: It's Tofu.
Kid: So why not just call it Tofu?
Dad: Because it taste like turkey.
Kid: So why not call it Turkey?
Dad: Because it's tofu flavored turkey.
Kid: What's that?
Dad: It's tofu that taste like turkey.
Kid: (grimmacing) Who would want to eat that?
Dad: It's for people who say they are vegetarian, but still want to eat turkey.
Kid: Why don't they just eat turkey?
Dad: Because they are vegetarian.
Kid: Does it taste good?
Dad: Yep, it taste like turkey.
Kid: Can we get some?
Dad: No.
As I watched this conversation, I started to wonder if I ever had that conversation with my mother. If I did, it would go something like this:
JB: What this is?
Mom: That's "What is this?"
JB: So why does it say (sounding it out) To-fur-key
Mom: Because that's what it is.
JB: You said it was "What is this."
Mom: No, I was correcting your speech.
JB: Oh. What this is?
Mom: What is it?
JB: Yes
Mom: No, what is it?
JB: That's what I asked.
Mom: No, you asked "What this is?" I said say, What is it?
JB: Ok. What is it?
Mom: (snatching the package out of my hands) None of your business. Now put it down.
When I think about, it explains alot.
Kid: Dad, what Tofu-key?
Dad: That's Tofurkey.
Kid: Ok.
Pause
Kid: (pulling on Dad's shorts) What's Tofurkey?
Dad: It's Tofu.
Kid: So why not just call it Tofu?
Dad: Because it taste like turkey.
Kid: So why not call it Turkey?
Dad: Because it's tofu flavored turkey.
Kid: What's that?
Dad: It's tofu that taste like turkey.
Kid: (grimmacing) Who would want to eat that?
Dad: It's for people who say they are vegetarian, but still want to eat turkey.
Kid: Why don't they just eat turkey?
Dad: Because they are vegetarian.
Kid: Does it taste good?
Dad: Yep, it taste like turkey.
Kid: Can we get some?
Dad: No.
As I watched this conversation, I started to wonder if I ever had that conversation with my mother. If I did, it would go something like this:
JB: What this is?
Mom: That's "What is this?"
JB: So why does it say (sounding it out) To-fur-key
Mom: Because that's what it is.
JB: You said it was "What is this."
Mom: No, I was correcting your speech.
JB: Oh. What this is?
Mom: What is it?
JB: Yes
Mom: No, what is it?
JB: That's what I asked.
Mom: No, you asked "What this is?" I said say, What is it?
JB: Ok. What is it?
Mom: (snatching the package out of my hands) None of your business. Now put it down.
When I think about, it explains alot.
A Lesson Before Blogging
Rule #3: You may not curse, at least not outright. This includes the b-word, the f-word, the s-word, the c-word, the w-word, the p-word, and the r-word. If you'd like to curse, you must do so creatively, replacing the "bad" word with something more interesting.
Oh, and before I forget, I wanted to direct everyone's attention to this article, about which all I have to say is: It's about damn time.
Rule #3: You may not curse, at least not outright. This includes the b-word, the f-word, the s-word, the c-word, the w-word, the p-word, and the r-word. If you'd like to curse, you must do so creatively, replacing the "bad" word with something more interesting.
Oh, and before I forget, I wanted to direct everyone's attention to this article, about which all I have to say is: It's about damn time.
It hasn't been this quiet since E.F. Hutton last spoke. There has got to be some sort of theological or political debate being neglected here. My inferior intelligence doesn't allow me to delve into such topics, but someone could at least provide me with some good humor.
Q. Why is John's intelligence inferior?
A. This alone could be the topic of spirited debate. Don't worry, I'm just inferior this week. Next week I'll be average again. I'll post more on this issue when my house is actually sold.
Q. Why is John's intelligence inferior?
A. This alone could be the topic of spirited debate. Don't worry, I'm just inferior this week. Next week I'll be average again. I'll post more on this issue when my house is actually sold.
Congratulations to Margaret as she takes her first steps to becoming a Double Hoo. Of course, a 3rd diploma will throw off the balance on the "Wall of Giant Diplomas."
A Lesson Before Blogging
Rule #2 - This is a friendly blog. This means that you may not bash others, or participate in name-calling, or deride others' opinions. Even if they're Republican. For example, you may NOT say that anyone who supports Bush is an idiot, or that the Republican party is full of evil, brainless spin-machines who will take any piece of information and try to make it sound like it reflects well on this administration. This is explicitly verboten!
(No, really, but seriously, are you flarking kidding me?)
Coming soon: Rule #3, regarding creative cursing.
Rule #2 - This is a friendly blog. This means that you may not bash others, or participate in name-calling, or deride others' opinions. Even if they're Republican. For example, you may NOT say that anyone who supports Bush is an idiot, or that the Republican party is full of evil, brainless spin-machines who will take any piece of information and try to make it sound like it reflects well on this administration. This is explicitly verboten!
(No, really, but seriously, are you flarking kidding me?)
Coming soon: Rule #3, regarding creative cursing.
Update:
It is perfectly permissible to post informational links; for example, I would like to let everyone know that if you have someone that you would like to nominate for his or her excellence in teaching, now is the time.
It is perfectly permissible to post informational links; for example, I would like to let everyone know that if you have someone that you would like to nominate for his or her excellence in teaching, now is the time.
A Lesson Before Blogging
Ladies and Gentlemen, there has been a dearth of blogging recently. My fear is that no one is posting for fear of violating the blogging rules. So, over the next few days, I will be posting the Official Blogging Rules, so that there are no questions or concerns about what is questionable or concerning.
Rule #1 - This blog is a tasteful blog. We will not, therefore, allow posts that exist solely to make fun of someone's name, simply because it seems dirty. Got it? No making fun of names, and no posting to dirty-ish things, like this.
Ladies and Gentlemen, there has been a dearth of blogging recently. My fear is that no one is posting for fear of violating the blogging rules. So, over the next few days, I will be posting the Official Blogging Rules, so that there are no questions or concerns about what is questionable or concerning.
Rule #1 - This blog is a tasteful blog. We will not, therefore, allow posts that exist solely to make fun of someone's name, simply because it seems dirty. Got it? No making fun of names, and no posting to dirty-ish things, like this.
Hmm,
I went in for a sleep study and I couldn't sleep. Even worse, I had to potty five times. Technician's response: "I've never seen that in someone your age." Does anyone else think that not sleeping as a result of anxiety about not sleeping is unfair?
If you've never done a sleep study, here's the issue. You're hooked up to a bunch of electrodes to monitor your heart rate, breathing, eye movement, etc. Need I say more? There's nothing in life quite like being uplinked by parallel port. Everytime I had to tinkle, I had to take my cords and my uplink with me. I had an uplink baggie.
I have sleep apnea. Which isn't really news. Especially if you've ever slept in the same room with me. This is the third sleep study that I've had and each one has said the same thing. Well, the last two have at least. I probably haven't had a full night of sleep in 20 years.
I'm going to have to sleep with a CPAP machine blowing air up my nose. I can only dream that it will help me be less tired, less irritable and smarter (ok, just more coherent). Last time, the thought of having a mask on my face while sleeping kinda freaked me out. This time, it freaks me out, but I'm too tired to argue.
I went in for a sleep study and I couldn't sleep. Even worse, I had to potty five times. Technician's response: "I've never seen that in someone your age." Does anyone else think that not sleeping as a result of anxiety about not sleeping is unfair?
If you've never done a sleep study, here's the issue. You're hooked up to a bunch of electrodes to monitor your heart rate, breathing, eye movement, etc. Need I say more? There's nothing in life quite like being uplinked by parallel port. Everytime I had to tinkle, I had to take my cords and my uplink with me. I had an uplink baggie.
I have sleep apnea. Which isn't really news. Especially if you've ever slept in the same room with me. This is the third sleep study that I've had and each one has said the same thing. Well, the last two have at least. I probably haven't had a full night of sleep in 20 years.
I'm going to have to sleep with a CPAP machine blowing air up my nose. I can only dream that it will help me be less tired, less irritable and smarter (ok, just more coherent). Last time, the thought of having a mask on my face while sleeping kinda freaked me out. This time, it freaks me out, but I'm too tired to argue.
IMPRESSIVE NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I finished 31st in my class.
OTHER INFORMATION (that will surely ruin the impressiveness)
1. Thanx to the school's cruel grading system, (not my lack of sobriety, effort, time or care to give a damn) my GPA was a "decent" 2.7ish.
2. Most law schools have a B - B+ curve, but my school shaves off the bottom 10% and gives them the "It's time to consider another career" speech (not to be confused with the "It's time to consider legal-related jobs" speech that people get when they fail the bar exam - I hope never to have to hear that speech).
3. There were only 63 people in my December Graduating class compared to the 237 that graduated last May and the 300+ that will graduate this coming May.
MY REPONSE AFTER LEARNING THIS INFORMATION
An excited, "Wow! Somebody did worst than me?" Followed by a snickering, "Poor bastards."
LASTLY
The bar is coming. Hide your heart girl.
If there are any misspellings or grammatical errors in this entry, please send them to Helen Waite.
I finished 31st in my class.
OTHER INFORMATION (that will surely ruin the impressiveness)
1. Thanx to the school's cruel grading system, (not my lack of sobriety, effort, time or care to give a damn) my GPA was a "decent" 2.7ish.
2. Most law schools have a B - B+ curve, but my school shaves off the bottom 10% and gives them the "It's time to consider another career" speech (not to be confused with the "It's time to consider legal-related jobs" speech that people get when they fail the bar exam - I hope never to have to hear that speech).
3. There were only 63 people in my December Graduating class compared to the 237 that graduated last May and the 300+ that will graduate this coming May.
MY REPONSE AFTER LEARNING THIS INFORMATION
An excited, "Wow! Somebody did worst than me?" Followed by a snickering, "Poor bastards."
LASTLY
The bar is coming. Hide your heart girl.
If there are any misspellings or grammatical errors in this entry, please send them to Helen Waite.
Lesson Of The Day
If you're driving drunk, and you hit someone, just drive away. You'll only get a $50 fine for leaving the scene of an accident, which is far better than the consequences of a DUI. Right? This is what I learned today.
Oh, and I also learned that this is considered a "pretty clean" record:
Albemarle County
EXPIRED REGISTRATION
01/06/06 10:30AM
Complied with Law
EXPIRED INSPECTION
01/06/06 10:30AM
Guilty
SP. 74/55
Infraction
04/28/00
Prepaid
DRIVE SUSPENDED
Misdemeanor
04/28/00
Guilty
FAIL TO APPEAR/SUSP
Capias
04/28/00
Guilty
Charlottesville City
SUSPENDED OL
Misdemeanor
01/04/01
Guilty
SPEEDING 41/25
Infraction
01/04/01
Dismissed
DRIV UNDER REVO/SUSP
Misdemeanor
06/26/01
Appealed
SPEEDING 41/25
Infraction
06/26/01
Nolle Prosequi
Plaintiff: COMMONWEALTH OF VIRG
Other
04/06/01
Other Judgment
Fluvanna County
59/45
Infraction
01/27/03
Guilty
SEAT BELT VIOLATION
Infraction
01/27/03
Guilty
Greene County
PUBLIC SWEARING/INTO
Misdemeanor
03/12/03
Dismissed
Lynchburg
SPEEDING 67/35
Infraction
05/25/99
Guilty in Absentia
TRESPASSING
Misdemeanor
02/23/96
Not Guilty
POSSESSION OF MARIJU
Misdemeanor
08/28/00
Guilty
D.U.I.
Misdemeanor
08/28/00
Guilty
DRIVE SUSPENDED
Infraction
08/28/00
Guilty
POSSESS MARIJUANA
Misdemeanor
10/15/96
Nolle Prosequi
FAIL TO STOP FOR A L
Infraction
10/15/97
Guilty in Absentia
Warrant in Debt
12/15/97
Not Found/Unserved
Plaintiff: CITY OF LYNCHBURG
Other
07/10/00
Other Judgment
Plaintiff: COMMONWEALTH OF VIRG
Interrogatory / Judge
03/13/98
Plaintiff: COMMONWEALTH OF VIRG
Interrogatory / Judge
11/05/99
Campbell County
FAIL STOP AT RED LIG
Infraction
12/20/96
Nolle Prosequi
POSS MARIJUANA/2ND O
Felony
12/20/96
Guilty
CONCEALED WEAPON
Misdemeanor
12/20/96
Guilty
Plaintiff: COUNTY OF CAMPBELL
Warrant in Debt
08/22/01
Dismissed
Plaintiff: COUNTY OF CAMPBELL
Warrant in Debt
06/22/98
Dismissed
If you're driving drunk, and you hit someone, just drive away. You'll only get a $50 fine for leaving the scene of an accident, which is far better than the consequences of a DUI. Right? This is what I learned today.
Oh, and I also learned that this is considered a "pretty clean" record:
Albemarle County
EXPIRED REGISTRATION
01/06/06 10:30AM
Complied with Law
EXPIRED INSPECTION
01/06/06 10:30AM
Guilty
SP. 74/55
Infraction
04/28/00
Prepaid
DRIVE SUSPENDED
Misdemeanor
04/28/00
Guilty
FAIL TO APPEAR/SUSP
Capias
04/28/00
Guilty
Charlottesville City
SUSPENDED OL
Misdemeanor
01/04/01
Guilty
SPEEDING 41/25
Infraction
01/04/01
Dismissed
DRIV UNDER REVO/SUSP
Misdemeanor
06/26/01
Appealed
SPEEDING 41/25
Infraction
06/26/01
Nolle Prosequi
Plaintiff: COMMONWEALTH OF VIRG
Other
04/06/01
Other Judgment
Fluvanna County
59/45
Infraction
01/27/03
Guilty
SEAT BELT VIOLATION
Infraction
01/27/03
Guilty
Greene County
PUBLIC SWEARING/INTO
Misdemeanor
03/12/03
Dismissed
Lynchburg
SPEEDING 67/35
Infraction
05/25/99
Guilty in Absentia
TRESPASSING
Misdemeanor
02/23/96
Not Guilty
POSSESSION OF MARIJU
Misdemeanor
08/28/00
Guilty
D.U.I.
Misdemeanor
08/28/00
Guilty
DRIVE SUSPENDED
Infraction
08/28/00
Guilty
POSSESS MARIJUANA
Misdemeanor
10/15/96
Nolle Prosequi
FAIL TO STOP FOR A L
Infraction
10/15/97
Guilty in Absentia
Warrant in Debt
12/15/97
Not Found/Unserved
Plaintiff: CITY OF LYNCHBURG
Other
07/10/00
Other Judgment
Plaintiff: COMMONWEALTH OF VIRG
Interrogatory / Judge
03/13/98
Plaintiff: COMMONWEALTH OF VIRG
Interrogatory / Judge
11/05/99
Campbell County
FAIL STOP AT RED LIG
Infraction
12/20/96
Nolle Prosequi
POSS MARIJUANA/2ND O
Felony
12/20/96
Guilty
CONCEALED WEAPON
Misdemeanor
12/20/96
Guilty
Plaintiff: COUNTY OF CAMPBELL
Warrant in Debt
08/22/01
Dismissed
Plaintiff: COUNTY OF CAMPBELL
Warrant in Debt
06/22/98
Dismissed
I'd like just like to point out that although some people think the following activities are OK to do in public, they are unacceptable at all times. I have witnessed all of these TODAY:
*finger nail clipping
*picking at your feet
*picking your nose and tossing your "prize booty" into a shared area
*general grunting/snorting associated with audible phlegm
Thank you.
*finger nail clipping
*picking at your feet
*picking your nose and tossing your "prize booty" into a shared area
*general grunting/snorting associated with audible phlegm
Thank you.
If you have some time, this is just an amazing article. It's funny, it's entertaining, it's a little upsetting - really interesting. Anyway, I liked it a lot, so I figured I'd share.
Look, people, this wouldn't be a problem if you raised your own children, instead of letting Nickelodeon do it...
(And I'm not saying that you shouldn't let your kids watch TV, I'm just saying that you should have more influence than TV over what your kids eat.)
(And I'm not saying that you shouldn't let your kids watch TV, I'm just saying that you should have more influence than TV over what your kids eat.)
Link.
Ladies and gentlemen! I present to you...Lincoln University Alumni.
I know this asshole. He was a jerk in school as well. Now, he's a jerk in the papers and a liar to boot! Dumbass! I am not sure why, but this does give me a little joy inside.
(Edited by Mrs. B to fix the page format)
Ladies and gentlemen! I present to you...Lincoln University Alumni.
I know this asshole. He was a jerk in school as well. Now, he's a jerk in the papers and a liar to boot! Dumbass! I am not sure why, but this does give me a little joy inside.
(Edited by Mrs. B to fix the page format)
Uh, so. Yeah. I feel guilty for not telling everyone this in person. I mean, really, this is the kind of news that you should deliver face-to-face. But I'm afraid I'm not going to have the opportunity to do that, so blogging will have to suffice. So here it goes: The truth is, we're never going to see any of you ever again. I'm sorry. We're not coming home.
Yep. Sorry. But you can come visit us here in Puerto Rico any time!
Yep. Sorry. But you can come visit us here in Puerto Rico any time!
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