The Thinking Minority

This is a convoluted chain, but bear with me: An organization calling itself "Family Security Matters" published an article by Phillip Atkinson which advocated the idea of a "President-for-life" George W. Bush and descried Democracy as a failure. This article was later removed from the FSM site, but is accessible via Google cache (search: "president for life bush site:familysecuritymatters.org"). A provocative argument in the article is that, according to the author, the US should have used nuclear bombing to either beat the Iraqi populace into submission or erase them from the planet, whichever came first. It's hard to believe that any article this far over the top is serious, and yet there's no evidence of satire at all.

Phillip Atkinson is a British high-school drop-out now living in Australia. He has self-published a so-called "theory of civilization" called "A Study of Our Decline." From what I can tell, it is only available on the Internet (http://www.ourcivilisation.com/inspire.htm).

OK, so far, just some nut job on the Internet. Nothing new there.

BUT, who is FSM?
According to this blog post, FSM is a front-organization for the "Center for Security Policy," whose board of advisors is now called the "National Security Advisory Council." Sound familiar? You might recall that an early member of that group was ... Vice President Dick Cheney.

So, to sum up: an organization with ties to the White House is advocating the overthrow of the Constitution and mass genocide in the Middle-East.

As if things could get any worse for Florida State Representative Bob Allen, who was arrested for offering an undercover police officer a blowjob and $20 (is that the going rate?), I must bring you this news:

State Rep. Bob Allen told police he was just playing along when a undercover officer suggested in a public restroom that the legislator give him oral sex and $20 because he was intimidated, according to a taped statement and other documents released Thursday.

So, next time you're feeling racist and surrounded, consider offering illicit oral sex and money in exchange for your own personal safety. Hey, it works for Florida politicians.

Of course the people don't want war. But after all, it's the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it's always a simple matter to drag the people along whether it's a democracy, a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism, and exposing the country to greater danger.

- Herman Goering at the Nuremberg trials
http://www.snopes.com/quotes/goering.htm

Of course, I realize my fabulous SO is a gifted blogger and storyteller, but really? No posts in almost a month? It's starting to affect his ego, people ...

So I just finished reading BLINK. This fascinating book is about our completely inaccessible unconcious minds, and how in the first 2 seconds of an encounter that unconcious sizes up a situation, sifts through mountains of data, and reaches sometimes ESP-like conclusions. (I encourage all of you with free time -ha!- to read it.) It mentions Implicit Association Tests, done by Harvard, which enable you to get past your "concious" beliefs about race, religion, ethnicity, etc. and down to what your unconcious REALLY believes. Try it out at: https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/demo/.

As most of you surely know (or should know) by now, I work for a corporate behemoth that used to be a "technology" and "internet" company, and now is really a "media" company owned by MultiMegaBiggaCorp, Inc (MMBC). I'm one of the privileged several hundred fortunate enough to have been granted his own office near the cube farm, which saves me from having to "prairie dog" over the cube walls for a glimpse of the outside world (instead, I just can't glimpse the outside world). I suspect that I am grossly overpaid for what I do, which consists mostly of telling other people what to do and dodging phone calls so I can write blog entries.

Several months ago, our department was merged with another department. This was a merger of equals in which the other department lost both their leadership and half their staff. We lost our office space. All 30 or so of us were moved from Building Five to Building Four, Third Floor. "Restructuring" is a corporate word which means "$700 per employee paid to the moving company."

My old office was configured for someone two salary bands above mine, which meant that the extra desk in the office for the person who didn't inhabit it was removed and replaced with a small round table. MMBC must not realize that its executives don't spend most of their time huddling with teams in their expensive prison cells; they do business on the golf course. But the company corrected its "error" when moving me to Building Four, Third Floor. The new office had two desks, two sets of filing cabinets, two sets of overhead bins (really: we have overhead bins), and (I swear I'm not making this up) two sets of wastebaskets -- a black one for trash and a blue one for recycling.

I've seen the cleaning crew empty both bins into the same large trash can.

A recent trick of corporate architecture is to use modular furniture. Office cubicles, and even entire walls, can be "constructed" more or less overnight out of pre-manufactured panels and interlocking posts. It's sort of like Tinker Toys for MMBC executives. A few days before the office move, I was assigned a new office number (a borg-like designation, like Seven of Nine), and I decided to check out the new office, knowing it would be just like every other office in the MMBC cube farm.

It didn't exist. There was a double row of cubes (two rows of three cubes each) where the office was supposed to be. Facilities assured me they'd be tearing down the cubes and building offices.

Indeed, the following Monday my colleagues arrived in their new offices and began the process of discovering everything wrong with them. I showed up at an office in Mumbai, India, where I spent the next two weeks on business. When I finally returned to MMBC Building Four, Third Floor, I discovered:

1. All of my stuff had reached the right office.
2. The office door was locked.
3. I did not have a key.

This was okay, because MMBC offices, although they lock securely, are made from modular panels and interlocking posts. It is trivial to remove an outer panel, pop open an inner panel, reach through, and open the securely locked door. Both panels can be replaced, leaving the illusion that you had the key all the time. No tools of any kind are required: just pull, push, and open. I love corporate security.

Once in the office, I discovered numerous problems. There were no overhead lights. That meant it was fairly dark, but not so dark that I couldn't immediately see the next problem: one wall did not reach all the way to the ceiling. I also saw the root cause of that problem; the wall was situated directly below a sprinkler head, meaning that in the event of a fire, both my office and the one next to it would be exactly half as wet as it should be. Despite the missing wall, it seemed unusually stuffy in the office; this was because there was no ventilation. Maybe it was a good thing the wall didn't reach the ceiling.

No light, no air, 3.9 out of 4 walls, and 50% of the required fire protection. Oh yeah: the bulletin board was a solid aluminum panel, completely impervious to both magnets and push pins. As sort of a consolation prize, however, two of my file cabinets were completely filled, top to bottom, with someone else's paperwork, mostly printed out e-mails directing a particular contractor to perform some task or other. There was no way to determine whose papers they had been, but MMBC Facilities indicated they had no need of them, and I could dispose of them according to MMBC Document Retention policies. They went in the shredder bin.

It took several weeks, but eventually the facilities crews worked out all of the remaining issues. To their credit, every person who showed up to fix something in the office shook his head in disgust and said, "I can't believe they did it like this in the first place." To celebrate the correction of the very last problem in my office, I received a present from management.

It was an eviction notice. Our department had been advised that we would be moving, in less than a week, to Building Four, Fifth Floor. We had been moved to our present locations less than three months prior.

In case you thought this anecdote had reached some sort of crazy climax, let me assure you that all this is really just background for the truly bizarre portion of this story. I swear, I am not making up what I found out next.

You see, we were being moved from the Third Floor to the Fifth Floor. Each floor has two sides, "A" and "B", and generally we abbreviate locations using building-floor-side codes such as 43A for Building Four, Third Floor, Side A. We were moving from 43A to 45A. As it happens, there were already people on 45A, and to make way for us they were being moved to 44A. There were already people on 44A, and we understood that those people were moving to 44B. There were already people on 44B, and they would have to move to make room for the new folks, so they were moved to 43A.

Yes: we were moved to make way for the people who were moved to make way for the people who were moving to make way for the people who were moving to make way for us. Did I mention the rumor mill suggested these moves cost MMBC $700 apiece?

Remembering all the problems that happened in the last move, I decided to check out my new office and make a punch list in advance. I found that, a day before the scheduled move, the new office was still occupied. A quick conversation with the current tenant revealed that a) the office was in great shape, and had an ample light, air, water, and structure, and b) my 45A coworker hadn't been notified he'd be moving. I suggested that he check with his management chain on the details. He assured me that it wouldn't be a big deal, since he really just had his laptop to be moved. Then I went back downstairs, packed up my things, and went home to hope for the best.

When I returned to the office the following Monday, all of my stuff was in the new office (good), as was a bunch of stuff that wasn't mine (bad), including the other guy's laptop docking station and his Hawaiian shirt. The filing cabinets were filled with papers and office supplies. Two overhead bins were locked, and no key was available. One filing cabinet had a key broken off in the lock.

I called facilities, and they agreed to send someone to remove the computer. The rest was this other guy's problem. The next day, I sent him e-mail asking him to retrieve his things; he said he'd be back in the office the next day, and would take care of it then. In the afternoon the following day (Wednesday), I returned from a meeting to find the Hawaiian shirt missing. The filing cabinets were still full. I wrote him some more e-mail.

Perhaps I should have been more specific. I wrote, "Did you get everything you needed?" and then left the office. I was out Thursday and Friday, and got his "Sure did" response the following Monday.

The filing cabinets were still full. If you are reading this and getting that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, good for you. If not, it means I really have to work on my foreshadowing skills.

I let the rest of the week go by without unpacking my boxes: where would it all go? But I resolved that the following week I would go through all the papers, and handle them according to MultiMegaBiggaCorp, Inc. Document Retention policies. Monday and Tuesday were busy, but Wednesday morning, I opened up the first filing cabinet and began to review the contents.

First, the office supplies: there were seven (7!!!) staplers (but no staples) and two tape dispensers (but no tape). Both went back to the common supply closet. Then there were manuals from 1996 for software that had been defunct since 2003. In fact, this accounted for almost everything in the drawer aside from a few photos of a house I didn't recognize, a CD, two 3.5" floppy disks, a half-eaten package of rice cakes, a coffee mug filled with change, and three different sets of hands-free "earbud" devices for cellular phones, along with other trinkets, chachkes, and assorted knick-knackery.

Much of it went in the trash. The papers all went in the shredder bin. I left the change, and a few other items, and resolved to splurge at the vending machines later in the day. All that remained were the mysterious contents of two overhead bins, which had been locked for more than two weeks. It was time to call facilities. When I did, they said they'd send someone right up to unlock them.

An hour later, a man arrived at my door. He looked confused. I asked him if he was here to unlock the overhead bins, and he stared at me for a moment.

Then he asked, "Where's all my stuff?"

That's when it hit me: my new office had not one, but two former occupants; one of which had only a laptop and a Hawaiian shirt, but the other had cabinets and bins full of papers, office supplies, and bric-a-brac. The guy I had met hadn't said anything about this, but clearly his office-mate had been on vacation (and in the U.S., 2-week vacations are not common). It would later occur to me to look up these people in the MMBC Enterprise Phone Book, where I would discover that they both worked for the same person, the manager who hadn't told his people they were moving (probably because he himself had not been told) and who then did not (or was not able to) look after all the stuff belonging to the guy who worked for him, and was on vacation during the move, and had returned after more than two weeks away and was now standing in front of me, blinking, and asking,

"Where's all my stuff?"

I swallowed and said, "You're going to hate me. I threw it out."

Of course I had to inform my management that I had thrown out someone else's stuff, and then I had to inform MMBC Facilities of what had happened. I have not heard back from either of the former two occupants of my office, but two weeks later, I received an envelope from Facilities. Inside was a ticket good for a free meal at the MMBC Cafeteria, with a yellow sticky-note thanking me for my "patience during the recent move." There was a cute smiley-face drawn on the lower right-hand corner of the note. As a finishing touch, I discovered that the mail room had misspelled my first name. I usually spell it S-C-O-T-T. They spelled it G-E-O-R-G-E.

Upper management is now talking about a re-organization plan. I can't wait to see my new office!

Having a bad day? Me too. But this helps.

The winner for Worst Story Of The Day...

Apparently these middle schoolers either believe that they're invincible or exist in the ethereal plane of ignorance. I guess the two are not mutually exclusive. In any case, they seem real stupid. I often worry about the future of the planet. If the current government doesn't do us in immediately, we'll assuredly be done in by the propagation of stupidity.

The Link

Are you serious?

I mean, I agree that women shouldn't smoke while pregnant, but ... seriously? Are we also going to make a law that says pregnant women can't take advil? Are we going to pass a law that says pregnant women aren't allowed to have soft cheeses or deli meat or clean a litterbox? Are we going to pass a law that says they have to take prenatal vitamins? How about a law banning pregnant women from having a soda, or taking a hot bath?

Sigh.

How about this?

Wow.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Ahhhh.........Myrtle.

Anyone want us to bring them home a turtle or two?

Please play this game. It is awesome. If you play at work, play without sound. If you play at home, play with sound. I repeat, it is awesome.

We were driving home last night when I saw the following bumper sticker:

BAN ILLEGAL ALIENS
NOT GUNS

Ignore the fact that the two topics have nothing to do with each other and ignore whatever beliefs you may have about the topics, but by my recollection, the term "illegal" means something is already "banned," no?

Is there anything better on this planet than a warm chocolate chip cookie dipped in cold milk?

What a wonderful Sunday afternoon.

Students of Turner County High School [in Ashburn, GA] started what they hope will become a new tradition: Black and white students attended the prom together for the first time on Saturday.

My favorite quote has to be:

"There was not anybody that I can remember that was black," [Mindy Bryan] said. "The white people have theirs, and the black people have theirs. It's nothing racial at all."

So, it's a black-white thing, but it's not racial... at all. Gotta' love The South.

Today, I have been a a sworn attorney for one year. I now have two reasons to celebrate 4/20.

More on the death of Liviu Librescu, the Holocaust survivor killed at Virginia Tech on Monday when he barricaded a classroom door with his body so students had a few more seconds to escape.

Sifting through the news today yielded this article about one of those who died at Virginia Tech yesterday. Liviu Librescu endured the Nazis, the ghetto, and Nicolae Ceausescu before he found himself living in Virginia and working at Virginia Tech. Librescu made himself into a human barricade to give fleeing students a few more seconds to jump out the window.

Monday was also Yom Hashoah, the Day of Remembrance of the Holocaust.

More pics from India on my blog.

Here's a sample:

Round trip airfaire to India: $3216.10
Entry fee to Sanjay Gandhi National Park: 20 Rupees
Being put in your place by a louse-ridden monkey: priceless

Today I received my first Bar Complaint. I am now a man.

Grammatically confused? Ask Mr. Language Person.

I've had a couple comments that this is actually noteworthy, so here you go:

Mumbai Laundry

I brought sexy back, but I had to throw it away because it smelled rotten.

So...yeah...I think Pink was much better than Justin Timberlake, but that may have been the Cirque du Soleil style show and the outfits. I think I enjoyed James Taylor more...I'm getting old. I must applaud Justin for doing a tequila shot on stage. I have to try that one.

Question? Why is it that when an artist says I love it here in <insert your town name> or I heard y'all like to get buck wild in <insert your town name>, people go nuts? Did they not know that they were in <insert your town name> before? Did they not like <insert your town name> before? Clearly <insert artist or group here> likes <insert your town name> because <insert artist or group here> is getting paid <insert percentage of exhorbitant ticket price/person or slang term for 'lots of cash'> to be in <insert your town name>.

Well, at least Timbaland was there.

I am writing this post from the lounge in the Frankfurt airport, where I am partway between home (Dulles) and my final destination (Mumbai, or for those of you still stuck in 1990, Bombay). Dulles to Frankfurt to Mumbai: a triple-play for the ever flattening world.

I bought Indian Rupees. The exchange rate, after commissions, fees, and blood-letting, worked out to 30rs per $US. For those of you keeping score at home, that's a 33% price premium (the US dollar equals about 45 rs). Didn't some guy from Nazareth have something to say about the money-changers? But no, these must be different people.

I remarked at a party once that I preferred obvious bigots to the subtle, insidious kind. I stand by that statement, particularly after meeting a fellow from Canada in line to get my Lufthansa boarding pass. He was standing there with a cart of luggage and a neon sign that read, "I hate the swarthy." It would light up when he talked. He was truly entertaining, and went on at length about the Italians. There was a family of four in front of us bearing Italian passports. But his sign blinked on and off (mostly on), and I rather enjoyed watching him be a complete ass.

I am thankful for business class. He could not follow me past the door.

the cross goes on the table next to the dresser and the code on the ripped up note is 2-10-4420. I have no idea where to go next. don't take the drug - it will kill you.

I just want to say

Happy Anniversary

to my dear husband. I love you, hon.

Why we have men:

Because otherwise the important questions will go unanswered.

Just an update...

Since the guy that rear-ended us (while drunk) and drove away 14 months ago was convicted of leaving the scene and paid a $50 fine, he has also been convicted of:

Being drunk in public - Guilty in Absentia, $25 fine
Speeding (79 in a 65) (so you know he was going faster than that) - Guilty in Absentia, $70 fine
Driving on a suspended license, 3rd offense - Guilty - he showed up for this one!, sentenced to 6 months, with 5 months and 20 days suspended sentence, 30 day suspension of license (like that's going to do any good!)
Expired State Tags - Guilty in Absentia, $30 fine
Expired Inspection - Guilty in Absentia, $30 fine

And this is just in Albemarle County, just in the last year. There's also a $96 fine for doing 64 in a 45 in Fluvanna County...it's amazing, they just can't seem to catch him doing more than 15 mph over the limit! He must be a very consistent speeder.

And his birthday is in 5 days! Happy Birthday, man!

Irony.

So I get to work this morning a tiny bit later than usual (10 minutes or so). The lot turns out to be full of cars as there's a meeting here today. As I drive up the far row, someone leaves. AWESOME!

As I sat listening to an interesting XMPR piece on the history of election fraud, I realized that I was missing my laptop. Obviously there was no parking available when I returned 20 minutes later.

Damn you Murphy.

If anyone wants to come to Florida (Destin in particular) to celebate their Irish Heritage, just let me know when to pick you up from the airport. All you need to bring is a green dress, some running/walking shoes, and your drinking A-game. I promise you won't be disappointed.

In case my dear husband forgets to mention it, I want to let everyone know that for the second time, UVA has decided to admit him as a student.

Yes folks, that's right...Mr. B is going to be a double Hoo.*

*According to the Admissions webpage, this means that he is "academically competitive; [has] successfully held positions of professional responsibility related to the management of information technology; and demonstrate[s] qualities of character such as motivation, maturity, tenacity, integrity, ability to work with others, self-reliance, and leadership. " I don't know about the ability-to-work-with-others part, but the rest sounds about right. Congratulations, hon.

I apologize for the late entry, but this race was particularly damaging to many parts of my ego, manhood, and life in general.
This past Saturday was the Hog Wild Five-Mile Run.
Having spent the last couple of months running 5K's and the occasional 4-mile race, I spent the week before this race running a few more miles than normal and doing a hill workout instead of a speed workout.
The race was in Dothan, Alabama about an hour and a half from Crestview, Florida (you know where I live and you never visit).
I showed up to the race confident that I would complete the race in 37 minutes or better. Before I left for Dothan, I went to the Dothan Runners website to get a description of the race. I remember it saying something like, "a challenging course with rolling hills" to which I responded, "Nonsense! I live on a hill - I'm a climber dammit!"
Well, while we were standing at the starting line (I was doing the leg kicking thing that all runners do for some purpose - I do it becuase I think it looks cool), this man approaches me and says, "Have you ever run this race before?" "No." I replied. "In fact, this is my first race here and my first five-mile race ever." "Congratulations," he replied. He then inquired about my 5k time to which I proudly replied, "I can do a low 22, high 21." "Hmm, you will do this in 39 minutes." "No way pops," I arrogantly retorted."I am covering this thing in 37 minutes or less." He then took the time to warn me that the first three miles were easy and that the course was really a bitch, but I continued to reassure him that a 37 minute five-mile time was in my near future. And then the race began.....
As we sprinted out of the parking lot, I realized that the pace was rather slow, so I took it upon myself to run with the leaders and, I got to tell you, it felt great. I felt so proud of myself. Running with the leaders, pushing the pace, and, unknowingly, making myself a huge target. In this race, they called out the splits at each mile. Ladies and gentleman, I am proud to say that my splits were 7, 7, 7, 10, 8. If you know anythng about road races then you understand the possibility of the 10-minute mile. If not then you will understand that the entire fourth mile was up hill! Completely and totally up hill! There were times in the fourth mile that I wanted to cry tears of what I hoped were saline, but knew would be blood. At the end of the race, I was in blinding pain, literal blinding pain - I could not see. In my entire running life, that has only happened once before at the East-West Championships my senior year in high school. My coach told me I had to place tenth or better or we would lose. I placed tenth and we still lost to Wilson (AKA the bastards), but I digress.
After the race ended, I wandered around for what felt like hours, but was probably hours. I looked at the race results and out of 250 participants, I placed 4th in my age group and 51th overall. Realizing that I was still alive and able to change out of my sweaty clothes, I looked at my free sweatshirt only to discover that this was the five-mile championship for the Southern Region of the Road Runners Club of America - I am almost positive, nope, actually positive that I did not qualify for the national championships. Next year, I run a 37 come hell, high water, or blindness (again).
As for the man who predicted my time at the start of the race - he was dead on - I finished the race in 39:46. I spent the next day sore, drunk and fantastically happy. Until the next race... some 5k, somewhere, sometime.

This editorial has it wrong. Here's the assertion:

A middle-class family whose employer provides no health benefits would not get a subsidy, nor would family members be able to buy coverage through the state purchasing pool — even if their employer paid into it in lieu of providing health benefits. Such workers, who would be mandated to carry insurance, would pay about $12,000 a year for comprehensive family coverage. Individual policies would cost about $4,500.

That means that a typical family of four earning about $60,000 a year would spend about 20% of its income on premiums — not counting deductibles, co-pays and non-covered medical expenses. A catastrophic plan would cost less — perhaps $3,000 to $4,000 a year — but that family would still face a $5,000 deductible and an out-of-pocket limit of $10,000 a year. One hospitalization could easily hit that limit, again causing the family to spend about a fifth of its income on medical care.

But that second paragraph misses the point; if a middle-class family with no insurance at all has an incident requiring hospitalization, the out-of-pocket costs likely will exceed the $14,000 bill for medical coverage ($4,000 for catastrophic coverage plus $10,000 out-of-pocket maximum). So which is better: potentially unlimited losses in the event of a catastrophe, or defined, limited losses with known costs? One major problem with healthcare in this country: everyone carries risk, but too few people plan for it.

Wow,

It's late...my first post this year and it's late...3 AM. I really just wanted make a statement:

If you're using food stamps to buy sodas, maybe you shouldn't be using your cash to buy cigarettes.

In what can only be described as a herculean bout of regression, I ran the Pensacola Extravaganza Shinding (The real name is the Pensacola Beach Run, but I like my name better). So, at the Shindig, all runners started at the same time and mid-race you decided which distance you wanted to run (5K, 10K, half-marathon). I was runing with a bunch of people at what I perceived to be a decent pace until I saw the turn off for the 5K. Realizing that I was alone, it dawned on my that I was keeping pace with the wrong bunch of people and well, the rest you can figure out.
Out of 449 5K participants, I placed 48th and 7th in my age group with a time of 24:12 - it even hurts to type it. There is, however, good news, the BEER WAS ALL YOU CAN DRINK as long as you had a race number! I may not be a runner or even a decent jogger, but it is pretty hard to find something that beats ALL YOU CAN DRINK BEER.
I also discovered that I am over training, which is causing my body to get weaker. Without taking any supplements outside of a multivitamin. I have been running at least four miles a day, taking a 45-minute spinning class and lifting weights five days a week. With that in mind, I have accepted the challenge to drop the spinning and just run for two weeks. If my time improves, I will stick with that plan. If my time does not improve, I will buy some sort of supplement (which I liken to corking the bat).
My next race is the 7th Annual Chiropractic Run For Health on 20 January 2007. Fingers and public hairs crossed, here's to hoping for a better time.
In essence, crappy race, no medal, over training, next race in two weeks and FREE ALL YOU CAN DRINK BEER!

Well, at least now we know where the surge in troops is going to come from...

Happy New Year, everyone! It's 2007!!

It's gonna be a great year.

So, I know that I said my next race would be the Pensacola Extravaganza Shinding (not really the official name, but I can't recall it right now), but I got bored so I went to another race - The Flora-Bama Make It To The Line 4-mile Run. This race was sponsored by the Flora-Bama Lounge and Package Store.
The race started at the Florida-Alabama line, and went 2 miles into Alabama and back to Florida. At the end of the race, which I truly believe is the only reason I still run, you were rewarded with two bud light drafts. Now, I will never say that bud light is quality beer or anything, but I have drank lower beers and these were free. Even though you can't beat free with a buck, I am sure I can come up with quite a few things that can beat free. Like sex. Sex beats free, but I digress.
I am proud to say that I ran a fantastic 3.5 mile race. The officials, however, seem to think it was a four mile race and would not give me a coffee cup for the 3.5 miles that I wonderfully ran.
After dying at the 3.5 mile marker and practically jogging to the finish line, I came in at 30:33, which resulted in a 6th place finish in my age group and a 48th place finish overall out of 250 runners,joggers,exercise enthusiasts,athletes and, well, me.
Next week, the Pensacola Extravaganza Shindig, which is just a 5K. If I run 3.5 miles there like I ran 3.5 miles today, I may get some hardware. My solo medal from the Reindeer Run is getting lonely.
Until then........Harry Kwannukamas to you all!

And Goode is getting Virginia some much-needed national attention! Goody!

First, George Allen. Now, Virgil Goode. Virginia's politicians sure are doing a wonderful job of spreading ignorance and making us look bad.

Ugh.

Today, I ran the Egg Nog Job (or the Eggnog Jog, whichever you prefer). Contrary to the advice of a very smart girlfriend, several co-workers and several more other runners, I ran the race while fighting a terrible cold - smart move Berry. I ran a fantastically disgusting 23:46, exactly one minute slower than last week's performance. I placed 53/140 and 4th in my age group.

Next up is the Pensacola Beach 5K/10K/Half Marathon/Marathon/1-mile fun run. Due to age restrictions, I have been told that I do no qualify for the 1-mile fun run, so I will "compete" in the 5k. (hopefully in better conditions healthwise).

Before I leave, however, I would be remiss if I did not share with you all some of the other holiday themed events that did not make it on to the publicly published calendar.

1. The Frosty the Snowman F@#k
2. The Stuff My Stocking Blowout
3. The Mrs. Santa Slam
4. The Noel Nose Picking Extravagansa
5. The Mistletoe Midget Toss
6. The No Christmas Gifts for Jews Cruise
7. The Ebeneazer Skeezer Shoot
8. The Comfort and Joy Cum For Joy
9. The Snow Blow Job Grand Prix
and my personal favorite
10. The Jingle Bell Bang

Harry Kwanukkamas to all!

Today, I ran the North Okaloosa Medical Center/YMCA Reindeer Run. I placed 11th over all and 2nd in my age group (25-29) with a time of 22:46. In my defense, I came in 11th because I decided it was warmer if I just urinated in my shorts (it was below freezing when the race started). Next week, the Eggnog Jog.

Between the strippers, dancers and hookers (Yes, there is a "difference" as I have learned.) in Vegas, I am amazed that you all found time to eat and gamble. At least you didn't sleep. Today was a tough day at work - for me that says alot. I just had to share because I am sure it will not happen again for a very long time.

I think there might be a whole other blog or site or something about Vegas...we'll get it posted in the next few days. Even though I just slept for 10 hours, I don't have the energy to post it all yet. BUT, to cut to the most important part of the trip, this is one of the last somethings that happened:






















Good job, Phred. Good job.

No real time to blog...we're sitting in the Vegas airport, waiting to board the plane. But to sum up:

We're leaving with more cash than we came with.
John bought new shoes.
Some things happened.
Vegas rocks.

There will be more details later. After we finally sleep.

Have you heard about the new Creationism Museum?

"A lot of that money is going into the animatronic dinosaurs, which are pictured as coexisting with modern humans before the Fall. According to the article, up to 50 million Americans believe this."

So, I have about 5 minutes to blog about our first day in Vegas. There is too much - let me sum up:

Our flight was uneventful, except for the couple hooking up in the seats in front of us between Charlotte and Vegas. The Charlotte airport, by the way, is AWESOME. It's basically an entire mall in the airport, with lots of food and shopping options. I could live there.

We got into Vegas, and were greeted by our personal drivers holding up a sign that said "Baxtons." Awesome. We were staying at the South Point casino/hotel for the first night, so we got checked in (and the $20 trick worked to get us a nice view) and ate the most amazing $4 buffet ever. Seriously. I haven't eaten since then - that was nearly 20 hours ago - and I'm not all that hungry yet. We're about to go eat there again. That should do it for today.

We all played a little video slots, which didn't result in much. Then Phred and Oh Bee Juan played craps. For hours. And did very, very well. Oh Bee Juan started with $20, and walked away with $475. Then we all went to the strip, where the boys played craps for about 20 minutes, and made a good profit. We saw the light show at Freemont (Valerie and I saw two light shows, one while the boys were playing craps) and walked around.

Okay, I'm taking too long, and we have to go eat and watch football. Just like Sunday at home. Let me sum up this way: Vegas is awesome.

Holy crap.

OMIGOD OMIGOD OMIGOD.

I just don't know what to believe in any more!

It's November 7th - don't forget to vote! If you live in Virginia, your options are:

James Webb or
A big fat bully

Vote early, vote often!

Your Deadly Sins

Lust: 80%

Gluttony: 20%

Envy: 0%

Greed: 0%

Pride: 0%

Sloth: 0%

Wrath: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 14%

You'll die while in the throws of passion - the best way to go.

That's just awful...

So, I'm sitting in a big traffic backup this morning.
I know, imagine that occurring in Northern Virginia. What a shock!

Anyway, I'm sitting there pondering the meaning of life or rocket bombing the 100 cars in front of me I can't remember which one, when I look out my passenger window and see a man standing in the lane next to me. Now you might think that's weird, as I did for a split second, but then I noticed that he was standing behind a garbage truck. He was the garbage man, picking up the trash cans and dumping the contents into the back of the truck. Good thing it was too cold to have the top down this morning!

What is the point of this story? Well, as is very often the case in Northern Virginia, a road that obviously used to be a rural highway has been converted into a major traffic thoroughfare by the home builders/buyers leapfrogging the old country homes out into the ex-urbs. As most of you on this Blog have no doubt seen on 29 between Charlottesville and DC, houses are built right on the highway with driveways connecting to the major road. There is/was no concept of a subdivision with such low building density.

I was on my way to the gym at 7:15 this morning on the road, and why wouldn't it be horribly backed up at 7:15? Silly me, I should've gotten up at 5:30 to beat traffic. But I digress...the point of this pointless story is that I'm sitting on this road, and the garbage truck is stopping, the guy gets out, dumps the trash into the truck, compacts it, and then hops back into this truck, drives 50 feet to the next driveway, repeat...and all of this is having absolutely no effect on the traffic flow. It's as if having a guy stopping a truck every 50 feet on a major highway is a normal thing.

I can't wait to move.

Another shot of Davis, shortly after donning his Lion costume. Davis, what does a lion say? RAAAAAWWWWRRRR!

Davis the Lion, trick-or-treating around the neighborhood. More pictures here.

I am having a business card swap. If you will, please send your business card to:

Jelani A. Berry
Assistant Public Defender
1-A Ninth Avenue
Shalimar, Florida 32579

Upon receipt, I will send you one of my business cards. In addition to receiving a business card inscribed with my illustrious name and occupation, you will receive that warm feeling of doing something completely useless, but fun nonetheless.

The Idiot Test because it's funny.

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bonds which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of those governed. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness...

...

We've come a long way in 330 years. From the tyranny of the King to the vast, more complicated, and more diffuse tyranny of the current government. Through gerrymandering, signing statements, and back-room deals, our government has become a joke. There are no checks and balances. There is no representative democracy. It's broken. I mean, it works every once in a while - even a stopped watch is right twice a day (but who wears a watch any more, anyway?) - and we get the occasional true statesman I suppose, but I can't help but assume he's going to get outvoted by the other 534 members of Congress every time.

Sorry, I'm feeling cynical, and wanted to share.

I'm often asked what my favorite news feed is. It's gotta be The Daily Kitten. Awwwww, they're so damn CUTE!

Always makes you feel good right about the time you're ready to push your monitor off the back of your desk. (Not that I have thoughts like that or anything)

Sometimes, you've got to hate on people. Today, I'm a hater. I'm hating everything. Especially the fact that I just had McDonalds. I hate that I'm such a dumbass. I knew I'd feel guilty after that Big Mac and yet I ate it anyway. Maybe I should sue them for all of my guilt.

I'll let you know when I hate on myself for voting for George Allen despite his lack of character...I voted for Clinton so why not? Wait. Black people LOVE Bill Clinton and like TJ, Bill Clinton "LOVES" Black people. George Allen doesn't care about Black people.

Germans LOVE David Hasselhoff.

To date, 20 cases set for Jury trial next week. The State likes to hold on to the cases to see if I will make my clients plea. I, on the other hand, like to wait until jury selection day to see if the state will Nol Pros or Dismiss the case because they realize that I am too stubborn to realize that I needed to make my client plea. I love chicken.

It's been sooooo quiet around here. I just wanted to let the world know that I got my Pen Island pens last week! This is great too.

George Allen is a Big Fat Racist.

George Allen is a jerk.

George Allen is a bully.

George Allen is a racist.

George Allen is a liar.

Well, at least, he's not an entirely honest person.

And, quite frankly, I'm starting to be suspicious of absolutely everything about this guy. Initially, I dismissed it as a bit of a stretch that George Allen might've named his son after the first Grand Wizard of the KKK. But you know what? Any parent thinks long and hard about naming their child. His son is named Forrest. He lives in Virginia. There is a Forest, VA, located in Bedford county, all named after the esteemed Conferederate General Nathan Bedford Forrest. He was also the first Grand Wizard of the KKK. I'd like to think that it's coincidence that George Allen named his kid Forrest, but I just...don't.

Now this is the guy you want answering your support calls at 1:30 AM. He really came through and is a true friend.

---

Thank you for contacting Dell Hardware Warranty Support. It was a pleasure working with you to resolve the issue you had with your system.

The following information relates to your recent call.

Case #144480698
Dispatch Reference #078052832

If you need a status update on this service, please go to http://support.dell.com,

1. Log in
2. Click "My Order Status"
3. Click "My Support" and select "Service Call Status"
4. Enter your Dispatch Reference # or Service Tag # to obtain a current status.
5. Alternatively, you may call us at 1-800-822-8965, Option 3 for Technical Support, and Option 1 to obtain a current status.

If you need further assistance with case #144480698, you may contact Dell via chat, email or telephone.

If you choose to use email, please reply to this email, and include the following information:

1. Preferred method of contact (phone or e-mail)
2. Best time to reach you
3. Include phone number if phone is preferred method of contact

If you choose to telephone Dell, call 1-800-822-8965, Option 1, enter the extension 7240444 when prompted, and provide the agent your Case #.

For all new issues, please email Dell Hardware Warranty Support from the following web page http://support.dell.com or by calling 1-800-822-8965.

Respectfully,

Jesus
Rep ID 0176306

Customer Experience: How am I doing? I am constantly striving to improve my service. If there is anything I can do to help improve your experience, please don't hesitate to let me know by contacting my manager via email using the instructions above.

AAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGG.

This is on the front page of washingtonpost.com, but I think it's probably not going to get the attention it deserves. Absolute proof that our government is holding and torturing innocent people, but you still wonder if anyone is going to be held accountable or if we'll just blame Canada.

And now Bush wants permission to "reinterpret" the Geneva conventions? Are you f'ing kidding me? There is absolutely no good reason WHY anyone should need to "reinterpret" them. Are we going to let other countries "reinterpret" them when they're holding US soldiers? Kudos to John McCain and Senator Warner for opposing this insanity, and %$#@ George Allen for being a mindless, blind, bigoted lackey.

In sadder news:

Trivia will die.
You can stop this tragedy.
Trivia. Own it.

I loss my first Jury Trial this week. The State did not give me a witness list and the Judge overruled my objection. My guy is in jail and the appeal is forth coming. More news from BFE Florida later.

My next job

Another update on Mrs. B's nephew -- here he is, from a few days ago.
The new digital camera kicks a**.

For those of you who have been anxiously awaiting another update on my adorable nephew, I can tell you that he is now putting together small sentences. Also, yesterday he built his first working single-engine aircraft.

A Public Service Announcement, for those of you who are local (or not)

Winter Classes for Men
Charlottesville Learning Center for Adults

Registration must be completed by Monday, September 25, 2006

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS,
CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor --- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

From nature.com

Owen Gingerich, an astronomer at Harvard University in Cambridge,
Massachusetts, and chair of the IAU committee that created the ['pluton'] definition, says that they were aware of its usage amongst geologists, but unaware of its importance to the field. "Since the term is not in the MS Word or the WordPerfect spell checkers, we thought it was not that common," Gingerich wrote in an e-mail to news@nature.com. The geologic definition of the word does appear in common dictionaries, including the Oxford English.

I wonder if he'd be cool with repurposing the word "albedo," or any of the other countless astronomical terms that Microsoft Word's spellchecker doesn't recognize.

Protect your kids now with the Armor of God. They'll go to Hell if you don't!

So we saw Snakes on a Plane. It's really good. You should see it. Unless you're my sister.

Happy 30th Birthday, John!

This is hilarious.

Let the word be spread throughout the land: Davis hath poop-ed in the potty.

And let there be much rejoicing!

Sorry, had to delete the science-quiz posts because they were messing up the blog and driving me crazy...

But, for your enjoyment - crazy bike. The video starts out slow, but quickly gets impressive.

I'm halfway done with my Masters as of today!

Mrs. B forgot to mention that her nephew (my son) turned 20 months old 4 days ago. It would be a lot less impressive if he just turned 4.

My nephew can count to ten. I think that's really freaking cool.

That's all.

I just argued and won my first Supression Hearing. Kids with lots of drugs got their case dismissed because the officer went on a fishing expedition. Did the kids learn a lesson? No. Will they be back? Yes. How do I know? Frequent Flyers of Judicial Airways. Today, I have judge trials for several defendants I have yet to meet. I will talk to them for 5-10 minutes before their bench trials and then we will walk into sure, if not highly probable, losses. By this time tomorrow, I will have lost the ability to say that I am batting at 1.000. Here's to batting at 1.000!

Having not blogged in a while, I posit a blog query (queery, queerie, querie, quiery, quierie, quieree, or question).

People who say, "Once you've hit rock bottom, there is only one way to go." either voluntarily or disturbingly forgot that you can also move laterally and thus the saying, "To wallow in sorrow." In having and knowing of the two sayings, is it at all logical, acceptable and/or predictable (stepping away from legal for a while) that a perveyor of the first saying should be punched in random parts of the body for sport?

The battles in my head will soon quarter me.

Dear Charlottesville and Albemarle,

For the love of God and all that is holy, please stop hitting my f#!&ing car. PLEASE. I'm growing quite tired of getting that familiar smack in my back that says, "Contact has been achieved! Get angry now!" I have no need to enter my car into the world of social networking and no desire for it to have playdates.

Is there a problem with my car? No? Perhaps our cars had a disagreement? Not that either? Did someone mischievously slide a giant post-it that says "HIT ME" on the car? I don't see one and I'm pretty sure you won't see one either. So, the next time my car stops for one those newfangled lights, traffic, or those pesky pedestrians that cross without care, STOP YOUR DAMNED CAR BEFORE hitting mine. Those red lights in the back mean that I've stopped. C'est tout.

Osama bin Laden wants the US to release al-Zarqawi's body so al-Zarqawi can be buried. I say, let's release the body -- but only if Osama comes to pick it up in person.

It's been almost a week back from Boston and I didn't blog at all while there. That's kinda sad because I had lots of things to say.

For starters, "Boston...where you can see it, but 'you can't get there from here.'"

Quote of the week: "If you want me to stick it somewhere else, you have to tell me where to put it." - "It" is a file...a well delivered file if you ask me.

Since I hate flying so much, having DirecTV on the flight was pretty nice. Well, there was one exception. In the mddle of watching some dumb show on MTV (which pretty much means any show), the commmercial for Superman played. A plane gets blown to bits in the commmercial. Not cool. Not cool.

No one in Boston expects people to get off of the elevator when it opens. That's got to be it. I mean, why else would you try to walk into the elevator as soon as it opened. Maybe you should think about why the elevator took so long to get down to you.

If you try to order canolli at this one place, you'll get asked if you want it "for here or to go." "For here" means that you shouldn't have bothered waiting to order. You can't place the order at the counter. No, even if Rob ordered to go and is now sitting at a table, you can't do it. #$#&!@!!

In some places, there are no traffic lanes. While this could work out well for someone like me, most people from the Ville would just come to a complete stop and have a meltdown. I mean, they're always at a complete stop anyway...

There were approximately 10 ways to get to the convention center from our hotel (by major roads). The bus company failed to pass the "good route" map along to the drivers (in all fairness, these people had come in from NH and CT because the Boston drivers were on strike).

There are lots of strikes in Boston...and lots of people. It's crowded. Don't move there if you value personal space, separate dwellings, or smoky bars...wait, I liked that part.

I sang a lot. A whole lot. Monday, Tuesday, Thursday (not that anyone wanted to hear me over Train, but I couldn't help it...I was drunk) and Friday. On Friday, I got to sing with a few of the guys from Firedrill. They even let me solo a couple of songs. Pretty tight group. Every once in a while, I miss those a cappella days. Hmm, I guess that's actually the second time I sang a cappella this month.

Of course, I learned a great deal about the new version of SharePoint. Why would anyone want to learn about SharePoint? It pays the mortgage and allows you to go to cool places...where your friends live...for free. Your friends don't live there for free, but you get to go...for free. You understood the first time.

Oh and thanks again to Rob. Good times indeed.

Well, I'm only writing because it's very late and I wasn't in a sleeping mood. Now I'm in a sleeping mood...

Yeah...so...

I'm wondering if it's time to go home for the day. I mean, I can't really breathe through my nose, my computer is turning into a brick (I've had to make real efforts to post this), and one of the batteries in my wireless mouse exploded. Any thoughts?

Starting today, I propose that for every blog you read, you must leave a comment. Just so we can see that we are reading the blogs AND the comments will surely lead to dialogue. Then agan, no one but the three of reads the blog anyway, so I guess I could just im you all. eh.

Bored?

Find crazy people amusing?

Click here - it's the best website I've found about dining experiences in Charlottesville. Then click on the bright red link at the top - the conversation. It's...amusing.

Disclaimer: Fred is a friend, and is not insane.

What I Have Learned About The Internet

If you can think of it...

..there's a website about it.

So today was Judge Trial Day in front of Judge B. (or as they tell me a slow guilty plea). First a little background. If a case has made it this far, several things may or may not have happened:
1. The Public Defender's Office (hereinafter we) has had no contact with the defendant
2. The State's Attorney (The State or other fun names) will not budge on a really bad offer
3. The defendant turns down every offer from the state, or
4. The defendant swears on his/her innocence (9.9/10 a bad move)

Today, was one of those days where the only contact I had with the defendant was him telling me that he was in California and would not be in court. So, I am completely unprepared to try this case. In fact, I haven't even read the file. I hadn't read the file because I didn't know the case existed because it wasn't my case - his attorney was on vacation the week before trial. His original attorney hadn't read the file in at least a week. We were in quite the pickle, Dick.

I filed a motion to continue knowing that the judge would address the motion in court instead of on Friday (the last working day before court). He addressed the motion and denied it. Not to end there, he also ordered me out of the courtroom to prepare myself for a trial that will start at 1pm (it was 11 am). Panicked, I went back to the office and freaked the hell out! When I calmed down (30 seconds later), I met the defendant, who decided to show up after all and late to boot, pretty much told him to prepare for at least three months in jail and made him go buy clothes for court. Since my client was HUGE he could not find his size and showed up to court 15 minutes late. Being very generous not to issue a capias and be done with it all, the judge still held the trial that I was still not prepared for because I had nothing. NOTHING! Some people say they have nothing, but they have one last ditch effort or idea. I had nothing and then I had nothing more. I went to the court reporter to order a transcript and she did everything but laugh at me because, apparently, that takes weeks.

Then came the trial. It's really all a blur and I have had several beers since I started typing, but I won. Somehow in my unpreparedness, I managed to create some doubt in the Judge's mind and he found my really huge client - not guilty. In short, I won my first trial. Holy Shit! That just sunk in. Sweet!

Anyhoo, that was today. I have jail plea day tomorrow and well.....

True story and my most recent away message (shows how much YOU im me).

"What are these?" The young, eager attorney asked with a smile, "Oh these!" came the reply, "These are your cases. Your clients." With a smile on his face, the wind at his back and a song in his heart, "Do I call them?" "No, you wait for them to call you." was the retort wrapped around the snicker heard down the hall in every office and surely in the courthouse. Determined not to lose his ambition to save the poor one case at a time, "What if they don't call?" It was then that he learned three things as his stare of curiosity was met with a stare of ambiguity. The lessons: 1. He had no idea how to be an attorney; 2. he was not getting an answer; and 3. welcome to the public defender's office. As the more experienced attorney left the office, the youngling thought, "Is it too late to fail a class and stay in school another year?"

The away message before that was just weird:

They tell me that I am a defense attorney as they hand me a knife and a bag of potatoes. Don't look for logic and it will find you. Look for logic and it will hit you over the head with a bag of potatoes.

Do you have any funny, weird, interesting, a combination of the six, away messages. Share them with us for a prize!

This is in response to the 07 June posting. Sure, I could have added this to the comments, but, on the off chance that someone besides Mr., Mrs. and JB reads this blog, I would like many people to have a shot at this one.

I wouldn't necessarily say she is evil. She is telling the truth even she speaks only of a minority of the widowed group. Just as there are people who misused the funds FEMA handed out to assist Katrina victims, it will be illogical to think that all 911 victims are using their settlement monies appropriately. The problem with that argument, however, is, what is an appropriate definition for "appropriate usage?"

If you haven't read this you should. If you have read this, you should read it again.

Jelani A. Berry
Assistant Public Defender
First Judicial Circuit

1-A 9th Avenue
Shalimar Florida 32579
ph: 850.651.7369
fax: 850.651.7356

To: former Floridians, current Floridians, future Floridians, and/or those who know a Floridian.

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.
So we'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place (but remember, you “are in good hands”).
So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, “like a good neighbor”, this company can drop you like used dental floss.
Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan’s Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys – but I am “in good hands”.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages.
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
"Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida" you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)
A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers standing right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck and remember: it's great living in paradise! Those of you who aren't here yet you should come. Really