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Saturday, December 30, 2006
So, I know that I said my next race would be the Pensacola Extravaganza Shinding (not really the official name, but I can't recall it right now), but I got bored so I went to another race - The Flora-Bama Make It To The Line 4-mile Run. This race was sponsored by the Flora-Bama Lounge and Package Store.
The race started at the Florida-Alabama line, and went 2 miles into Alabama and back to Florida. At the end of the race, which I truly believe is the only reason I still run, you were rewarded with two bud light drafts. Now, I will never say that bud light is quality beer or anything, but I have drank lower beers and these were free. Even though you can't beat free with a buck, I am sure I can come up with quite a few things that can beat free. Like sex. Sex beats free, but I digress.
I am proud to say that I ran a fantastic 3.5 mile race. The officials, however, seem to think it was a four mile race and would not give me a coffee cup for the 3.5 miles that I wonderfully ran.
After dying at the 3.5 mile marker and practically jogging to the finish line, I came in at 30:33, which resulted in a 6th place finish in my age group and a 48th place finish overall out of 250 runners,joggers,exercise enthusiasts,athletes and, well, me.
Next week, the Pensacola Extravaganza Shindig, which is just a 5K. If I run 3.5 miles there like I ran 3.5 miles today, I may get some hardware. My solo medal from the Reindeer Run is getting lonely.
Until then........Harry Kwannukamas to you all!
Friday, December 22, 2006
And Goode is getting Virginia some much-needed national attention! Goody!
Thursday, December 21, 2006
First, George Allen. Now, Virgil Goode. Virginia's politicians sure are doing a wonderful job of spreading ignorance and making us look bad.

Saturday, December 16, 2006
Today, I ran the Egg Nog Job (or the Eggnog Jog, whichever you prefer). Contrary to the advice of a very smart girlfriend, several co-workers and several more other runners, I ran the race while fighting a terrible cold - smart move Berry. I ran a fantastically disgusting 23:46, exactly one minute slower than last week's performance. I placed 53/140 and 4th in my age group.

Next up is the Pensacola Beach 5K/10K/Half Marathon/Marathon/1-mile fun run. Due to age restrictions, I have been told that I do no qualify for the 1-mile fun run, so I will "compete" in the 5k. (hopefully in better conditions healthwise).

Before I leave, however, I would be remiss if I did not share with you all some of the other holiday themed events that did not make it on to the publicly published calendar.

1. The Frosty the Snowman F@#k
2. The Stuff My Stocking Blowout
3. The Mrs. Santa Slam
4. The Noel Nose Picking Extravagansa
5. The Mistletoe Midget Toss
6. The No Christmas Gifts for Jews Cruise
7. The Ebeneazer Skeezer Shoot
8. The Comfort and Joy Cum For Joy
9. The Snow Blow Job Grand Prix
and my personal favorite
10. The Jingle Bell Bang

Harry Kwanukkamas to all!
Saturday, December 09, 2006
Today, I ran the North Okaloosa Medical Center/YMCA Reindeer Run. I placed 11th over all and 2nd in my age group (25-29) with a time of 22:46. In my defense, I came in 11th because I decided it was warmer if I just urinated in my shorts (it was below freezing when the race started). Next week, the Eggnog Jog.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Between the strippers, dancers and hookers (Yes, there is a "difference" as I have learned.) in Vegas, I am amazed that you all found time to eat and gamble. At least you didn't sleep. Today was a tough day at work - for me that says alot. I just had to share because I am sure it will not happen again for a very long time.
Friday, November 24, 2006
I think there might be a whole other blog or site or something about Vegas...we'll get it posted in the next few days. Even though I just slept for 10 hours, I don't have the energy to post it all yet. BUT, to cut to the most important part of the trip, this is one of the last somethings that happened:

Good job, Phred. Good job.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
No real time to blog...we're sitting in the Vegas airport, waiting to board the plane. But to sum up:

We're leaving with more cash than we came with.
John bought new shoes.
Some things happened.
Vegas rocks.

There will be more details later. After we finally sleep.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Have you heard about the new Creationism Museum?

"A lot of that money is going into the animatronic dinosaurs, which are pictured as coexisting with modern humans before the Fall. According to the article, up to 50 million Americans believe this."
Sunday, November 19, 2006
So, I have about 5 minutes to blog about our first day in Vegas. There is too much - let me sum up:

Our flight was uneventful, except for the couple hooking up in the seats in front of us between Charlotte and Vegas. The Charlotte airport, by the way, is AWESOME. It's basically an entire mall in the airport, with lots of food and shopping options. I could live there.

We got into Vegas, and were greeted by our personal drivers holding up a sign that said "Baxtons." Awesome. We were staying at the South Point casino/hotel for the first night, so we got checked in (and the $20 trick worked to get us a nice view) and ate the most amazing $4 buffet ever. Seriously. I haven't eaten since then - that was nearly 20 hours ago - and I'm not all that hungry yet. We're about to go eat there again. That should do it for today.

We all played a little video slots, which didn't result in much. Then Phred and Oh Bee Juan played craps. For hours. And did very, very well. Oh Bee Juan started with $20, and walked away with $475. Then we all went to the strip, where the boys played craps for about 20 minutes, and made a good profit. We saw the light show at Freemont (Valerie and I saw two light shows, one while the boys were playing craps) and walked around.

Okay, I'm taking too long, and we have to go eat and watch football. Just like Sunday at home. Let me sum up this way: Vegas is awesome.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Holy crap.

I just don't know what to believe in any more!
It's November 7th - don't forget to vote! If you live in Virginia, your options are:

James Webb or
A big fat bully

Vote early, vote often!
Monday, November 06, 2006
Your Deadly Sins
Lust: 80%
Gluttony: 20%
Envy: 0%
Greed: 0%
Pride: 0%
Sloth: 0%
Wrath: 0%
Chance You'll Go to Hell: 14%
You'll die while in the throws of passion - the best way to go.
That's just awful...
Thursday, November 02, 2006
So, I'm sitting in a big traffic backup this morning.
I know, imagine that occurring in Northern Virginia. What a shock!

Anyway, I'm sitting there pondering the meaning of life or rocket bombing the 100 cars in front of me I can't remember which one, when I look out my passenger window and see a man standing in the lane next to me. Now you might think that's weird, as I did for a split second, but then I noticed that he was standing behind a garbage truck. He was the garbage man, picking up the trash cans and dumping the contents into the back of the truck. Good thing it was too cold to have the top down this morning!

What is the point of this story? Well, as is very often the case in Northern Virginia, a road that obviously used to be a rural highway has been converted into a major traffic thoroughfare by the home builders/buyers leapfrogging the old country homes out into the ex-urbs. As most of you on this Blog have no doubt seen on 29 between Charlottesville and DC, houses are built right on the highway with driveways connecting to the major road. There is/was no concept of a subdivision with such low building density.

I was on my way to the gym at 7:15 this morning on the road, and why wouldn't it be horribly backed up at 7:15? Silly me, I should've gotten up at 5:30 to beat traffic. But I digress...the point of this pointless story is that I'm sitting on this road, and the garbage truck is stopping, the guy gets out, dumps the trash into the truck, compacts it, and then hops back into this truck, drives 50 feet to the next driveway, repeat...and all of this is having absolutely no effect on the traffic flow. It's as if having a guy stopping a truck every 50 feet on a major highway is a normal thing.

I can't wait to move.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Another shot of Davis, shortly after donning his Lion costume. Davis, what does a lion say? RAAAAAWWWWRRRR!
Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Davis the Lion, trick-or-treating around the neighborhood. More pictures here.
I am having a business card swap. If you will, please send your business card to:

Jelani A. Berry
Assistant Public Defender
1-A Ninth Avenue
Shalimar, Florida 32579

Upon receipt, I will send you one of my business cards. In addition to receiving a business card inscribed with my illustrious name and occupation, you will receive that warm feeling of doing something completely useless, but fun nonetheless.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
The Idiot Test because it's funny.
Friday, October 27, 2006
When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bonds which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of those governed. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness...


We've come a long way in 330 years. From the tyranny of the King to the vast, more complicated, and more diffuse tyranny of the current government. Through gerrymandering, signing statements, and back-room deals, our government has become a joke. There are no checks and balances. There is no representative democracy. It's broken. I mean, it works every once in a while - even a stopped watch is right twice a day (but who wears a watch any more, anyway?) - and we get the occasional true statesman I suppose, but I can't help but assume he's going to get outvoted by the other 534 members of Congress every time.

Sorry, I'm feeling cynical, and wanted to share.
I'm often asked what my favorite news feed is. It's gotta be The Daily Kitten. Awwwww, they're so damn CUTE!

Always makes you feel good right about the time you're ready to push your monitor off the back of your desk. (Not that I have thoughts like that or anything)
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Sometimes, you've got to hate on people. Today, I'm a hater. I'm hating everything. Especially the fact that I just had McDonalds. I hate that I'm such a dumbass. I knew I'd feel guilty after that Big Mac and yet I ate it anyway. Maybe I should sue them for all of my guilt.

I'll let you know when I hate on myself for voting for George Allen despite his lack of character...I voted for Clinton so why not? Wait. Black people LOVE Bill Clinton and like TJ, Bill Clinton "LOVES" Black people. George Allen doesn't care about Black people.

Germans LOVE David Hasselhoff.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
To date, 20 cases set for Jury trial next week. The State likes to hold on to the cases to see if I will make my clients plea. I, on the other hand, like to wait until jury selection day to see if the state will Nol Pros or Dismiss the case because they realize that I am too stubborn to realize that I needed to make my client plea. I love chicken.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
It's been sooooo quiet around here. I just wanted to let the world know that I got my Pen Island pens last week! This is great too.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
George Allen is a Big Fat Racist.
George Allen is a jerk.

George Allen is a bully.

George Allen is a racist.

George Allen is a liar.

Well, at least, he's not an entirely honest person.

And, quite frankly, I'm starting to be suspicious of absolutely everything about this guy. Initially, I dismissed it as a bit of a stretch that George Allen might've named his son after the first Grand Wizard of the KKK. But you know what? Any parent thinks long and hard about naming their child. His son is named Forrest. He lives in Virginia. There is a Forest, VA, located in Bedford county, all named after the esteemed Conferederate General Nathan Bedford Forrest. He was also the first Grand Wizard of the KKK. I'd like to think that it's coincidence that George Allen named his kid Forrest, but I just...don't.
Friday, September 22, 2006
Now this is the guy you want answering your support calls at 1:30 AM. He really came through and is a true friend.

Thank you for contacting Dell Hardware Warranty Support. It was a pleasure working with you to resolve the issue you had with your system.

The following information relates to your recent call.

Case #144480698
Dispatch Reference #078052832

If you need a status update on this service, please go to,

1. Log in
2. Click "My Order Status"
3. Click "My Support" and select "Service Call Status"
4. Enter your Dispatch Reference # or Service Tag # to obtain a current status.
5. Alternatively, you may call us at 1-800-822-8965, Option 3 for Technical Support, and Option 1 to obtain a current status.

If you need further assistance with case #144480698, you may contact Dell via chat, email or telephone.

If you choose to use email, please reply to this email, and include the following information:

1. Preferred method of contact (phone or e-mail)
2. Best time to reach you
3. Include phone number if phone is preferred method of contact

If you choose to telephone Dell, call 1-800-822-8965, Option 1, enter the extension 7240444 when prompted, and provide the agent your Case #.

For all new issues, please email Dell Hardware Warranty Support from the following web page or by calling 1-800-822-8965.


Rep ID 0176306

Customer Experience: How am I doing? I am constantly striving to improve my service. If there is anything I can do to help improve your experience, please don't hesitate to let me know by contacting my manager via email using the instructions above.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006

This is on the front page of, but I think it's probably not going to get the attention it deserves. Absolute proof that our government is holding and torturing innocent people, but you still wonder if anyone is going to be held accountable or if we'll just blame Canada.

And now Bush wants permission to "reinterpret" the Geneva conventions? Are you f'ing kidding me? There is absolutely no good reason WHY anyone should need to "reinterpret" them. Are we going to let other countries "reinterpret" them when they're holding US soldiers? Kudos to John McCain and Senator Warner for opposing this insanity, and %$#@ George Allen for being a mindless, blind, bigoted lackey.
Saturday, September 16, 2006
In sadder news:

Trivia will die.
You can stop this tragedy.
Trivia. Own it.
Friday, September 15, 2006
I loss my first Jury Trial this week. The State did not give me a witness list and the Judge overruled my objection. My guy is in jail and the appeal is forth coming. More news from BFE Florida later.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
My next job
Sunday, September 03, 2006

Another update on Mrs. B's nephew -- here he is, from a few days ago.
The new digital camera kicks a**.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
For those of you who have been anxiously awaiting another update on my adorable nephew, I can tell you that he is now putting together small sentences. Also, yesterday he built his first working single-engine aircraft.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
A Public Service Announcement, for those of you who are local (or not)

Winter Classes for Men
Charlottesville Learning Center for Adults

Registration must be completed by Monday, September 25, 2006


Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor --- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Owen Gingerich, an astronomer at Harvard University in Cambridge,
Massachusetts, and chair of the IAU committee that created the ['pluton'] definition, says that they were aware of its usage amongst geologists, but unaware of its importance to the field. "Since the term is not in the MS Word or the WordPerfect spell checkers, we thought it was not that common," Gingerich wrote in an e-mail to The geologic definition of the word does appear in common dictionaries, including the Oxford English.

I wonder if he'd be cool with repurposing the word "albedo," or any of the other countless astronomical terms that Microsoft Word's spellchecker doesn't recognize.
Protect your kids now with the Armor of God. They'll go to Hell if you don't!
Monday, August 21, 2006
So we saw Snakes on a Plane. It's really good. You should see it. Unless you're my sister.
Friday, August 11, 2006
Happy 30th Birthday, John!
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
This is hilarious.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Let the word be spread throughout the land: Davis hath poop-ed in the potty.

And let there be much rejoicing!
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Sorry, had to delete the science-quiz posts because they were messing up the blog and driving me crazy...

But, for your enjoyment - crazy bike. The video starts out slow, but quickly gets impressive.
Saturday, July 29, 2006
I'm halfway done with my Masters as of today!
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Mrs. B forgot to mention that her nephew (my son) turned 20 months old 4 days ago. It would be a lot less impressive if he just turned 4.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
My nephew can count to ten. I think that's really freaking cool.

That's all.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
I just argued and won my first Supression Hearing. Kids with lots of drugs got their case dismissed because the officer went on a fishing expedition. Did the kids learn a lesson? No. Will they be back? Yes. How do I know? Frequent Flyers of Judicial Airways. Today, I have judge trials for several defendants I have yet to meet. I will talk to them for 5-10 minutes before their bench trials and then we will walk into sure, if not highly probable, losses. By this time tomorrow, I will have lost the ability to say that I am batting at 1.000. Here's to batting at 1.000!
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Having not blogged in a while, I posit a blog query (queery, queerie, querie, quiery, quierie, quieree, or question).

People who say, "Once you've hit rock bottom, there is only one way to go." either voluntarily or disturbingly forgot that you can also move laterally and thus the saying, "To wallow in sorrow." In having and knowing of the two sayings, is it at all logical, acceptable and/or predictable (stepping away from legal for a while) that a perveyor of the first saying should be punched in random parts of the body for sport?

The battles in my head will soon quarter me.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Dear Charlottesville and Albemarle,

For the love of God and all that is holy, please stop hitting my f#!&ing car. PLEASE. I'm growing quite tired of getting that familiar smack in my back that says, "Contact has been achieved! Get angry now!" I have no need to enter my car into the world of social networking and no desire for it to have playdates.

Is there a problem with my car? No? Perhaps our cars had a disagreement? Not that either? Did someone mischievously slide a giant post-it that says "HIT ME" on the car? I don't see one and I'm pretty sure you won't see one either. So, the next time my car stops for one those newfangled lights, traffic, or those pesky pedestrians that cross without care, STOP YOUR DAMNED CAR BEFORE hitting mine. Those red lights in the back mean that I've stopped. C'est tout.
Friday, June 30, 2006
Osama bin Laden wants the US to release al-Zarqawi's body so al-Zarqawi can be buried. I say, let's release the body -- but only if Osama comes to pick it up in person.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
It's been almost a week back from Boston and I didn't blog at all while there. That's kinda sad because I had lots of things to say.

For starters, "Boston...where you can see it, but 'you can't get there from here.'"

Quote of the week: "If you want me to stick it somewhere else, you have to tell me where to put it." - "It" is a file...a well delivered file if you ask me.

Since I hate flying so much, having DirecTV on the flight was pretty nice. Well, there was one exception. In the mddle of watching some dumb show on MTV (which pretty much means any show), the commmercial for Superman played. A plane gets blown to bits in the commmercial. Not cool. Not cool.

No one in Boston expects people to get off of the elevator when it opens. That's got to be it. I mean, why else would you try to walk into the elevator as soon as it opened. Maybe you should think about why the elevator took so long to get down to you.

If you try to order canolli at this one place, you'll get asked if you want it "for here or to go." "For here" means that you shouldn't have bothered waiting to order. You can't place the order at the counter. No, even if Rob ordered to go and is now sitting at a table, you can't do it. #$#&!@!!

In some places, there are no traffic lanes. While this could work out well for someone like me, most people from the Ville would just come to a complete stop and have a meltdown. I mean, they're always at a complete stop anyway...

There were approximately 10 ways to get to the convention center from our hotel (by major roads). The bus company failed to pass the "good route" map along to the drivers (in all fairness, these people had come in from NH and CT because the Boston drivers were on strike).

There are lots of strikes in Boston...and lots of people. It's crowded. Don't move there if you value personal space, separate dwellings, or smoky bars...wait, I liked that part.

I sang a lot. A whole lot. Monday, Tuesday, Thursday (not that anyone wanted to hear me over Train, but I couldn't help it...I was drunk) and Friday. On Friday, I got to sing with a few of the guys from Firedrill. They even let me solo a couple of songs. Pretty tight group. Every once in a while, I miss those a cappella days. Hmm, I guess that's actually the second time I sang a cappella this month.

Of course, I learned a great deal about the new version of SharePoint. Why would anyone want to learn about SharePoint? It pays the mortgage and allows you to go to cool places...where your friends live...for free. Your friends don't live there for free, but you get to go...for free. You understood the first time.

Oh and thanks again to Rob. Good times indeed.

Well, I'm only writing because it's very late and I wasn't in a sleeping mood. Now I'm in a sleeping mood...
Thursday, June 22, 2006

I'm wondering if it's time to go home for the day. I mean, I can't really breathe through my nose, my computer is turning into a brick (I've had to make real efforts to post this), and one of the batteries in my wireless mouse exploded. Any thoughts?
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Starting today, I propose that for every blog you read, you must leave a comment. Just so we can see that we are reading the blogs AND the comments will surely lead to dialogue. Then agan, no one but the three of reads the blog anyway, so I guess I could just im you all. eh.

Find crazy people amusing?

Click here - it's the best website I've found about dining experiences in Charlottesville. Then click on the bright red link at the top - the conversation. It's...amusing.

Disclaimer: Fred is a friend, and is not insane.
Monday, June 19, 2006
What I Have Learned About The Internet

If you can think of it...

..there's a website about it.
So today was Judge Trial Day in front of Judge B. (or as they tell me a slow guilty plea). First a little background. If a case has made it this far, several things may or may not have happened:
1. The Public Defender's Office (hereinafter we) has had no contact with the defendant
2. The State's Attorney (The State or other fun names) will not budge on a really bad offer
3. The defendant turns down every offer from the state, or
4. The defendant swears on his/her innocence (9.9/10 a bad move)

Today, was one of those days where the only contact I had with the defendant was him telling me that he was in California and would not be in court. So, I am completely unprepared to try this case. In fact, I haven't even read the file. I hadn't read the file because I didn't know the case existed because it wasn't my case - his attorney was on vacation the week before trial. His original attorney hadn't read the file in at least a week. We were in quite the pickle, Dick.

I filed a motion to continue knowing that the judge would address the motion in court instead of on Friday (the last working day before court). He addressed the motion and denied it. Not to end there, he also ordered me out of the courtroom to prepare myself for a trial that will start at 1pm (it was 11 am). Panicked, I went back to the office and freaked the hell out! When I calmed down (30 seconds later), I met the defendant, who decided to show up after all and late to boot, pretty much told him to prepare for at least three months in jail and made him go buy clothes for court. Since my client was HUGE he could not find his size and showed up to court 15 minutes late. Being very generous not to issue a capias and be done with it all, the judge still held the trial that I was still not prepared for because I had nothing. NOTHING! Some people say they have nothing, but they have one last ditch effort or idea. I had nothing and then I had nothing more. I went to the court reporter to order a transcript and she did everything but laugh at me because, apparently, that takes weeks.

Then came the trial. It's really all a blur and I have had several beers since I started typing, but I won. Somehow in my unpreparedness, I managed to create some doubt in the Judge's mind and he found my really huge client - not guilty. In short, I won my first trial. Holy Shit! That just sunk in. Sweet!

Anyhoo, that was today. I have jail plea day tomorrow and well.....
Friday, June 16, 2006
True story and my most recent away message (shows how much YOU im me).

"What are these?" The young, eager attorney asked with a smile, "Oh these!" came the reply, "These are your cases. Your clients." With a smile on his face, the wind at his back and a song in his heart, "Do I call them?" "No, you wait for them to call you." was the retort wrapped around the snicker heard down the hall in every office and surely in the courthouse. Determined not to lose his ambition to save the poor one case at a time, "What if they don't call?" It was then that he learned three things as his stare of curiosity was met with a stare of ambiguity. The lessons: 1. He had no idea how to be an attorney; 2. he was not getting an answer; and 3. welcome to the public defender's office. As the more experienced attorney left the office, the youngling thought, "Is it too late to fail a class and stay in school another year?"

The away message before that was just weird:

They tell me that I am a defense attorney as they hand me a knife and a bag of potatoes. Don't look for logic and it will find you. Look for logic and it will hit you over the head with a bag of potatoes.

Do you have any funny, weird, interesting, a combination of the six, away messages. Share them with us for a prize!
Thursday, June 15, 2006
This is in response to the 07 June posting. Sure, I could have added this to the comments, but, on the off chance that someone besides Mr., Mrs. and JB reads this blog, I would like many people to have a shot at this one.

I wouldn't necessarily say she is evil. She is telling the truth even she speaks only of a minority of the widowed group. Just as there are people who misused the funds FEMA handed out to assist Katrina victims, it will be illogical to think that all 911 victims are using their settlement monies appropriately. The problem with that argument, however, is, what is an appropriate definition for "appropriate usage?"
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
If you haven't read this you should. If you have read this, you should read it again.

Jelani A. Berry
Assistant Public Defender
First Judicial Circuit

1-A 9th Avenue
Shalimar Florida 32579
ph: 850.651.7369
fax: 850.651.7356

To: former Floridians, current Floridians, future Floridians, and/or those who know a Floridian.

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.
So we'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place (but remember, you “are in good hands”).
So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, “like a good neighbor”, this company can drop you like used dental floss.
Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan’s Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys – but I am “in good hands”.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages.
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
"Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida" you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)
A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers standing right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck and remember: it's great living in paradise! Those of you who aren't here yet you should come. Really
Beantown, cont'd

Tuesday was great - Oh Bee Juan had conference stuff all day, but I got to walk around Boston. The people here are interesting. Busy all the time - like your stereotypical Northerner, I guess - but not rude, and not very personable at first, but very friendly once you're in a conversation. Anyway, I did some reading and some walking around, window-shopped, and found some restaurants. Then last night we met up with Rob & his sister for dinner and karaoke. Yes, karaoke. The quality of the karaoke was pretty high, but Oh Bee Juan still blew everyone else away. Oh, and the Sox lost, and Miami won. %$#& Dallas.

After karaoke, we stopped by this open-mic jam thingy at Avalon. I got hit on three times while Oh Bee Juan was onstage. Par for the course when the crowd is only 10% female (at most), I suppose.

We were out pretty late last night, so I slept in today - by the way, the bed in this hotel is fantastic. Really fluffy - down pillows, down comforter, and a really THICK mattress topper that I think is down. It's just fantastic. I was going to go to the MFA today but it turns out it's not free all day - only in the evening. I'll see if Oh Bee Juan wants to go tonight. I'll be honest, I'm really just enjoying sleeping in and reading and walking around and not really having a schedule!
Monday, June 12, 2006
Welcome to Beantown

Well, I still don't know why it's called Beantown, or exactly why there are artfully decorated cows everywhere, but we're in Boston! We had a short and uneventful plane trip, during which we learned that JetBlue is the best airline ever. Seriously. The plane only had two seats on each side of the aisle (which makes SO MUCH MORE SENSE than having three), and we had a lot more legroom than on USAir or United - it doesn't seem like much, but I'd bet we had at least 5 more inches of legroom, which makes all the difference in the world. Each seat has its own little screen for movies and TV, and there's satellite TV with 40 channels or something. Easy check-in, nice staff, everything was great.

Our friend and fellow blog member Rob picked us up from the airport and took us to a great diner for breakfast, then gave us a driving tour of the city. Then we went and walked around Harvard and took some pictures. Went to a used bookstore run by a very nice (but slightly crazy) man and had our pictures taken in front of Dewey, Cheetham, & Howe (the Cartalk guys' office). We had calamari and drinks at John Harvard's - Oh Bee Juan and Rob each had 5 beers at 2 o'clock in the afternoon.

Ok, each of the beers was only 3 oz...

When we got back in the car, I passed the hell out. I don' t know why flying is so exhausting, but it is. Maybe it's just travel in general. So Oh Bee Juan and I went back to the hotel with the intention of resting, but I spent 2 hours on the phone with USAir. Don't ask.

We got groceries across the street so that we have snacks and some lunches in the room, and then Rob came by the hotel and we all had dinner at a little pizza place around the corner. Then we got on the T (that's Bostonian for "the train") and went to the Green stop (on the Orange line) to visit an old (okay, not that old) avp guy. Had a good time, and caught the last T - er, train - back to the hotel at midnight.

Oh Bee Juan got up this morning and went to conference stuff, but I got to sleep in! Got up and took a cab to the airport to finish our business with USAir. Again, don't ask. Took a cab back to the hotel, and the cabbie very helpfully told me that the Museum of Fine Arts is free on Wednesdays. I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do this week - I'll probably go to the aquarium, and the Museum of Fine Arts, and maybe the Gardner Museum. There's also the Science Museum, and lots of stuff to just walk around and take pictures of and enjoy the scenery. There's a Train concert at Fenway park on Thursday night. It's going to be a fun week!
Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Wow, I could be wrong, but then she could just be totally evil.
WP: Bathroom breaks vs. grades? - Highlights -

WTF. I haven't seen this level of bullshit since...wait...this is par for the course.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Well, Z buried this in the comments, but it deserves its own blog entry.

Baby's named a bad, bad thing..
Sunday, May 28, 2006
It's 85 degrees upstairs. Boy, I'm pissed.
Hurrican season is coming: Try to have a clue.
Jesus Christ, people, come on. How about Sarah, or Julia, or Elizabeth?

Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt
Friday, May 26, 2006
The short guy. - Judge: Sex offender too short for prison - May 26, 2006

Thursday, May 25, 2006

I just saw James Brown. C'est raison (actually I mean c'est ça ou c'est juste, but I was confused because tu as raison means 'you are right"... f'in French), James Brown. There's absolutely no possibility of seeing James Brown and not having some comments.

...James said lots of stuff we didn't understand.
...James mentioned something about his erection or his manhood before "Sex Machine." Twice.
...The show was an hour and a half long.
...They mistook OUR state for "West Virginia." We booed in typical "Virginia" fashion. I booed at a James Brown concert. I'm ashamed. I also "got up off of that thing."
...I drove through WVa once for a conference with a bus full of black people once. A "West Virginian" asked if we were a "basketball team."
...At least they said they were in "Charlottesville." Maybe they thought it was Charleston?
...I believe James Brown is from Macon, where "You ain't from around here..."
...A woman at Rapture said, "They don't call him the Grandfather of Soul for nothing!"
...Smacking the woman at Rapture would have been a cliche.
...James Brown is old.
..."Armeggedon the Musical" is inferior.
...James Brown is old.
...Seeing James Brown in his 70's might be like seeing Jordan with the Wizards. So he didn't win a championship with them, it's f'in Jordan man.
...There were no splits.
...There were 10 people in the band, 4 backup singers, 1 "guest" singer with very red hair, 2 Soul Train dancers (ex-Laker Girls), and 3 other random guys. That makes 21 people on stage at the height of the show.
...Man, he's old.
...He didn't not perform "The Payback."
...Can I count it off?
...Germans LOVE David Hasselhoff.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
For those of you who don't have time to watch the American Idol finale tonight, not to worry - I'm here for you! I'll keep you updated. It's almost as good as TiVo!

Here we go...

The 2-hour season finale? Seriously? It’s not one hour – it’s two? Jesus Christ.

Hm, no intro to the show, just Carrie. And Taylor. Gee, way to broadcast the results, guys. Show last year’s winner, then this year’s. Good job. Oh yeah, and there’s Kat. Whatever.

Am I a bad person for not liking Katharine? I even hate the way she spells her name. I know, I’m a bad person.

Weird, segment one of the AI finals, and no Ryan at all. Was he in the potty when they got started?

There’s Ryan! Gee, he could’ve shaved. This is the Big Night and all.

Ben Stiller and Heather Locklear! Are they dating or something? Wasn’t she dating David Spade? Can’t she do better than that?

Do we really need to meet the judges again at this point? Yes, Randy says “dude” a lot. And Paula is an emotional drunkard, and Simon is a jerk. A jerk who really likes his own lips. And is sporting a nice jacket, a sharp shirt, and a lot of chest hair tonight.

Soul patrol! McPheever! Drink!

Ahh, the hot twins. Hi, hot twins. How are you doing? Nice to see you, hot twins.

Paris. Nice. Ok. I don’t really have anything to say about this.

Ooh, I just can’t wait to see “So you think you can dance” – and not only because it lacks any punctuation.

Chris and Live. Interesting, two bald lead singers. How will we tell them apart?

Ha, Ryan just said “which is which?” Ha.

Ryan is making fun of Kellie Pickler. This is GREAT. Puck and Pickler. I love it.
Okay, the segment isn’t that funny. Mostly…just…sad. Yes, Kellie, glasses will make everyone take you seriously. Eat your ESS-CAR-GOTTEE and be quiet.

Wow, Meatloaf sounds awful. And, quite franky, looks awful. Standing next to Kat doesn’t help him. And his being a complete melodramatic freak doesn’t help either. He looks like he might kill Kat. Run, Kat, Run!!

Am I the only woman who is NOT reassured by the Dove commercials with the flabby pasty women?

Golden Idols? Ha. Way to fill 2 hours, guys.

Best Female Vocalist – remember that awful blond tan thing with the bad fake tan? She was really bad. She learned her awfulness from her mom. Her mom should be sterilized. Sorry. I’m a bad person.

Best Male vocalist – BUT THEY LET THAT FREAK THROUGH TO HOLLYWOOD. SERIOUSLY. WHAT THE HELL?? How surprising, he showed up to accept the award. WHAT A FREAK. QUICK, CUT TO COMMERCIAL.

Puck and Pickler again. Pickler is an idiot. Boil that damn lobster and put it on a plate, please. Actually, if you don’t have any plates, that’s fine. Gimme.

Okay, all the guys are performing. You know, these 5 would make a great boy band. The rocker, the kid, the hick, the pretty boy, the good singer. Perfect. Man. Seeing all these guys together just reminds you how incredibly young Kevin is. Poor little guy.

The AI videos are stupid. Although Taylor does move like a parrot.

A free Mustang convertible. Who cares? Tell us who won!!

Another Golden Idol. Proudest family moment. Awww. Clearly Elliot’s mom has to win this one. She made me cry! I mean, she made people cry. Other people. Not me. And McPhee’s dad is a big sap that no man could possibly respect. And Chris’s wife lost me with the “like” in “because he’s, like, given me and my kids so much.” Woohoo for Elliot’s mom!

Elliot is singing “One” – I love this song! This is great! Yeah for violins! Wait, is U2 about to sing? Seriously? They got U2?

No, they got Mary J Blige. Uh, ok. Whatever. This sucks. What the hell is wrong with her? Take off those stupid glasses and quit ruining this song.

Carrie Underwood at least has the sense to not roll around on the floor when she doesn’t want to stand the whole time. Blah, blah, country, blah blah.

Um, what is wrong with Toni Braxton? Seriously? Is anyone else seeing this? Is she singing? What’s wrong with her? Is she too busy lusting after Taylor to enunciate or project into the mic, or….what the hell? Boys and girls, don’t do drugs.

Girls’ song. Ha. W-O-M-A-N. They should NOT have chosen a song with spelling in it. Pickler looks uncomfortable.

Are they really letting the Clay wannabe sing? Wait, is that Elton? No, it’s Clay. Clay, looking like Peewee Herman. The Clay wannabe is in shock.

Okay, Lisa Tucker is really funny-looking. There, I said it. I’m a bad person.

Ha ha ha. Pussycat, pussycat. Poor Kevin.

Dione Warwick? I wonder if she knew she was going to be on this show.
I also wonder who’s had more to drink tonight, me or Paula. Oh, who am I kidding. I’m a lightweight.

Male bonding. It’s not as risqué as they make it sound. Okay, with this soundtrack, maybe it is. Aww, remember the Brokenote Mountain guys? That was funny. The first time.

I’m confused. Ryan said we were done with performances, that we were gonna have results. Then, with no introduction, Prince. Or whatever he’s called now. Is he our new American Idol? Hm. It seems like his two dancers had about 15 minutes before the show to work out their routine.

Results. For the love of God, just tell us that Taylor won and let us go to bed. We’re tired. We’re sick of singing. We’re a little tipsy. PLEASE, RYAN, PLEASE.

Wow, this is that guy's one chance to be on TV, to hand the envelope to Ryan, and he wears a checked shirt with a dotted tie? Really? Silly paper-pusher.

Of course it's Taylor. Hm. That was kind of anti-climatic. Wow, I still don't like Kat. I'm very glad she just lost. I'm a bad person.

Is that David Hasselhoff? Boy, they sandwiched Taylor's win between Prince and David Hasselhoff. Very nice.

Hm, Taylor did this song better last night. Oh well. Aww, he’s so nice, thanking everyone.

Well, that’s it. This show could’ve been about 15 seconds long, but we made it through 2 hours. Well done, everyone. It’s good to know that I’m not the only one with nothing to do on a Wednesday night. Goodnight!
WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT STREET CRED......'re talking about... OK, you're not talking about this.

(stolen shamelessly from Dave Barry's blog, because none of you read it)
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Poll Smoking

There's a poll currently in progress, related to my previous post about the accuracy of certain male-centered reporting. You can take the poll, and view the various results. Very interesting.

This week's Gene Weingarten poll (please choose the appropriate door):
Men 34 and Younger
Men 35 and Older
Women 34 and Younger
Women 35 and Older
Sunday, May 21, 2006
The first amendment is not, as it turns out, such a big deal.

From an AP article:
But he [Gonzales] added that the First Amendment right of a free press should not be absolute when it comes to national security. If the government's probe into the NSA leak turns up criminal activity, prosecutors have an "obligation to enforce the law."

What?? The attorney general doesn't think the first amendment is absolute? Really?

Let's take a moment and read the first amendment again:
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Seems pretty clear to me. If government officials leak classified information, then they have broken the law. Fine, prosecute them. But if a reporter finds out about classified information, then he has every right to publish it. I'm not saying he always should, or that it's always a good idea, or that he doesn't sometimes have a moral and ethical obligation NOT to publish it, but he has the right to publish it. The reporter hasn't broken any laws, the leaker has, and the publishing of that information is protected by the freedom of the press. Congress cannot make a law that abridges the freedom of the press, therefore there cannot be any "obligation to enforce the law" against reporters publishing news. Gonzales is an idiot.
So, I get the feeling that this is accurate, but I figured I'd double-check with the boys and see. 50-65? A dozen of which.....Really?
Thursday, May 18, 2006
The Body Odd

Click Here Fool
Wednesday, May 10, 2006

I just came to the realization that Johnny Drama's character is based on Donnie Wahlberg. Wow.

In any case,

The funniest thing happened coming into the office yesterday. As I walked up to the back door, I spied a squirrel with my bad eyes. I said, "Hey, Mr. Squirrel!" The squirrel attempted to jump up the glass repititively to get away from me. He was trapped.

Eventually, I let him out. It was funny and weird. I'm just glad he decided not to attack and give me rabies. They should make a movie about squirrels attacking. It would be much cuter than the movie about slugs...
Wednesday, April 26, 2006

I'm not feeling too great today...been sneezing like crazy and I really just want to get some sleep. That's not what I'm writing about though.

I was with the Riddler today grabbing a sangwich and my mail from the post office (because I still don't have a box) and I was almost front-ended by a person pulling out of a parking space. WEIRD. Why do people have to back their cars completely straight before pulling forward? Do they not know that the steering wheel turns the other way? Luckily, I honked after my passenger told me to "watch out," otherwise I would have been wringing someone's neck for hitting me with their rear end. But I'm not writing about that either.

What I am writing about is the other thing I saw today. At the light in front of KFC and Days Inn on 29 South, a car was going 25 mph and when the light turned yellow, she slammed on her brakes. I say she because my sexist gene tells me it was a woman. It WAS a woman. I says to the man next to me, "who does that?" We pulled up next to the woman and her sunglassed man-friend (it's DARK outside today). The thing that happened next will stay with me for the rest of my life.

She took a swig of her Natty Light.

WHO DRINKS NATTY LIGHT AT 1:30PM ON WEDNESDAY WHILE DRIVING ON 29? If you're gonna your car...while driving...why not drink Miller Lite? Or at least something that costs more than a Big Mac combo per six pack. ASSHOLES.
Oh, God -

Oh, no - Oh my God -

Please -

Tuesday, April 18, 2006
So....Jelani...just how hung over ARE you today?
Monday, April 17, 2006

This has been a long time coming. I WAS waiting for hell to freeze over, but since Jelani passed the bar, I figured I'd ride that particular blue moon into the sunset.

For my (our) 18th or so "Moving Extravaganza," we figured we'd hire movers to make the process easier. It didn't. I previously mentioned something about inferior intellect. Below I will outline just a few of the things assaulting my sanity and turning me into a bumbling idiot.

Let's look back to late February:

The buyer's (sketchy and biased) appraisal came in 12K lower than the purchase price. We had to purchase our own (unbiased) appraisal that worked out just fine. Everything else in our old neighborhood is now selling for 10K MORE than we sold for last month.

March 14th:

Termite inspection? What's that? Oh, we need one before closing tomorrow?

~March 30th:

Lowes actually sells products that had been previously returned for a lack of proper parts and hardware. F'ers.

and so on:

Despite having movers, we still took at least 10 back and forth trips to the old house. The movers f'd up at least two items and our brand new carpet. They also took their sweet a$$ time moving stuff into the truck.

It rained about 5 minutes after the first time we watered the lawn.


The post office charges $1 for you to change your address online. WTF?

The heat pump was broken for at least 3 days. On one of those days there was a high of 80 or so and a low of 35.

The people we hired to clean the old house required backup cleaning. Unfortunately, we hadn't hired backup cleaners for the first string cleaners.

Directv hadn't changed my address. F'ing idiots.

Sprint is charging me a fee that I don't want to pay.

Charlottesville charges for trash pickup (per bag/per can). Charlottesville's taxes are about 30 cents higher than the county's (where you have to pay for pickup through a private firm that always takes all of your trash). Charlottesville WILL NOT PICK UP TRASH ON OUR NEW STREET. I PAY TAXES TO CHARLOTTESVILLE. BFI failed to pick up my trash after I hired them as a private firm! FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!

My wife WILL NOT STOP injuring herself.

To top it all off, my guest room sink is leaking. I'm just glad my master bedroom shower isn't leaking through the floor like my neighbor's is.

With all of that said, it takes 9-10 minutes to get Mrs. B to work every morning. That's down from 20-30. It takes 5 minutes for me to get home for lunch. That's down from 20-25. It takes 12 minutes or so to get home from picking Mrs. B up. That's down from 30-35. I guess it's not so bad. Mrs. B really is great when she's not running into things and despite being in the city, we have a fine "country" view.

I'm sorry, I know you wanted people to look it up, and they still can, but I couldn't contain myself. CONGRATS!

Now get up here so we can celebrate!

P.S. When I first clicked on the link, I went and looked up 99850. But I realized, of course, that I must've gotten it wrong.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006
01-02-03-04-05-06 Tomorrow!

The is actually the dumbest article ever because this will occur again next month in those part of the world who put their day first (everywhere but the US).

Friday, March 31, 2006
You know what I think is evil?

This and this.


This and this.

Notice anything?
Saturday, March 25, 2006
A conversation heard in the health food store today between a 4-6 year old kid and his parent:

Kid: Dad, what Tofu-key?
Dad: That's Tofurkey.
Kid: Ok.


Kid: (pulling on Dad's shorts) What's Tofurkey?
Dad: It's Tofu.
Kid: So why not just call it Tofu?
Dad: Because it taste like turkey.
Kid: So why not call it Turkey?
Dad: Because it's tofu flavored turkey.
Kid: What's that?
Dad: It's tofu that taste like turkey.
Kid: (grimmacing) Who would want to eat that?
Dad: It's for people who say they are vegetarian, but still want to eat turkey.
Kid: Why don't they just eat turkey?
Dad: Because they are vegetarian.
Kid: Does it taste good?
Dad: Yep, it taste like turkey.
Kid: Can we get some?
Dad: No.

As I watched this conversation, I started to wonder if I ever had that conversation with my mother. If I did, it would go something like this:

JB: What this is?
Mom: That's "What is this?"
JB: So why does it say (sounding it out) To-fur-key
Mom: Because that's what it is.
JB: You said it was "What is this."
Mom: No, I was correcting your speech.
JB: Oh. What this is?
Mom: What is it?
JB: Yes
Mom: No, what is it?
JB: That's what I asked.
Mom: No, you asked "What this is?" I said say, What is it?
JB: Ok. What is it?
Mom: (snatching the package out of my hands) None of your business. Now put it down.

When I think about, it explains alot.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Friggin SWEET.

JCPenney : online outlet : n ew markdowns
Monday, March 20, 2006
A Lesson Before Blogging

Rule #3: You may not curse, at least not outright. This includes the b-word, the f-word, the s-word, the c-word, the w-word, the p-word, and the r-word. If you'd like to curse, you must do so creatively, replacing the "bad" word with something more interesting.

Oh, and before I forget, I wanted to direct everyone's attention to this article, about which all I have to say is: It's about damn time.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
It hasn't been this quiet since E.F. Hutton last spoke. There has got to be some sort of theological or political debate being neglected here. My inferior intelligence doesn't allow me to delve into such topics, but someone could at least provide me with some good humor.

Q. Why is John's intelligence inferior?
A. This alone could be the topic of spirited debate. Don't worry, I'm just inferior this week. Next week I'll be average again. I'll post more on this issue when my house is actually sold.
Monday, March 13, 2006
It's 79° in this office right now. That's with the door open.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Congratulations to Margaret as she takes her first steps to becoming a Double Hoo. Of course, a 3rd diploma will throw off the balance on the "Wall of Giant Diplomas."
Friday, March 03, 2006
A Lesson Before Blogging

Rule #2 - This is a friendly blog. This means that you may not bash others, or participate in name-calling, or deride others' opinions. Even if they're Republican. For example, you may NOT say that anyone who supports Bush is an idiot, or that the Republican party is full of evil, brainless spin-machines who will take any piece of information and try to make it sound like it reflects well on this administration. This is explicitly verboten!

(No, really, but seriously, are you flarking kidding me?)

Coming soon: Rule #3, regarding creative cursing.
Monday, February 27, 2006

It is perfectly permissible to post informational links; for example, I would like to let everyone know that if you have someone that you would like to nominate for his or her excellence in teaching, now is the time.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
A Lesson Before Blogging

Ladies and Gentlemen, there has been a dearth of blogging recently. My fear is that no one is posting for fear of violating the blogging rules. So, over the next few days, I will be posting the Official Blogging Rules, so that there are no questions or concerns about what is questionable or concerning.

Rule #1 - This blog is a tasteful blog. We will not, therefore, allow posts that exist solely to make fun of someone's name, simply because it seems dirty. Got it? No making fun of names, and no posting to dirty-ish things, like this.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Public Service Announcement

Jelani A. Berry is taking the Florida Bar Exam today and tomorrow, the 21st and 22nd.
Everyone please pray for his soul.
Monday, February 13, 2006

I went in for a sleep study and I couldn't sleep. Even worse, I had to potty five times. Technician's response: "I've never seen that in someone your age." Does anyone else think that not sleeping as a result of anxiety about not sleeping is unfair?

If you've never done a sleep study, here's the issue. You're hooked up to a bunch of electrodes to monitor your heart rate, breathing, eye movement, etc. Need I say more? There's nothing in life quite like being uplinked by parallel port. Everytime I had to tinkle, I had to take my cords and my uplink with me. I had an uplink baggie.

I have sleep apnea. Which isn't really news. Especially if you've ever slept in the same room with me. This is the third sleep study that I've had and each one has said the same thing. Well, the last two have at least. I probably haven't had a full night of sleep in 20 years.

I'm going to have to sleep with a CPAP machine blowing air up my nose. I can only dream that it will help me be less tired, less irritable and smarter (ok, just more coherent). Last time, the thought of having a mask on my face while sleeping kinda freaked me out. This time, it freaks me out, but I'm too tired to argue.
Monday, February 06, 2006
IMPRESSIVE NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I finished 31st in my class.

OTHER INFORMATION (that will surely ruin the impressiveness)

1. Thanx to the school's cruel grading system, (not my lack of sobriety, effort, time or care to give a damn) my GPA was a "decent" 2.7ish.

2. Most law schools have a B - B+ curve, but my school shaves off the bottom 10% and gives them the "It's time to consider another career" speech (not to be confused with the "It's time to consider legal-related jobs" speech that people get when they fail the bar exam - I hope never to have to hear that speech).

3. There were only 63 people in my December Graduating class compared to the 237 that graduated last May and the 300+ that will graduate this coming May.


An excited, "Wow! Somebody did worst than me?" Followed by a snickering, "Poor bastards."

The bar is coming. Hide your heart girl.

If there are any misspellings or grammatical errors in this entry, please send them to Helen Waite.
Lesson Of The Day

If you're driving drunk, and you hit someone, just drive away. You'll only get a $50 fine for leaving the scene of an accident, which is far better than the consequences of a DUI. Right? This is what I learned today.

Oh, and I also learned that this is considered a "pretty clean" record:

Albemarle County
01/06/06 10:30AM
Complied with Law

01/06/06 10:30AM

SP. 74/55



Charlottesville City



Nolle Prosequi

Other Judgment

Fluvanna County


Greene County

Guilty in Absentia

Not Guilty




Nolle Prosequi

Guilty in Absentia

Warrant in Debt
Not Found/Unserved

Other Judgment

Interrogatory / Judge

Interrogatory / Judge

Campbell County
Nolle Prosequi



Warrant in Debt

Warrant in Debt
Monday, January 30, 2006
Wait, wait, wait a second here. You mean we DON'T already have this law?
Friday, January 27, 2006
I'd like just like to point out that although some people think the following activities are OK to do in public, they are unacceptable at all times. I have witnessed all of these TODAY:

*finger nail clipping
*picking at your feet
*picking your nose and tossing your "prize booty" into a shared area
*general grunting/snorting associated with audible phlegm

Thank you.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
If you have some time, this is just an amazing article. It's funny, it's entertaining, it's a little upsetting - really interesting. Anyway, I liked it a lot, so I figured I'd share.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Look, people, this wouldn't be a problem if you raised your own children, instead of letting Nickelodeon do it...

(And I'm not saying that you shouldn't let your kids watch TV, I'm just saying that you should have more influence than TV over what your kids eat.)
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Here's a fun game!

Google this:

(203) 625-9503
Saturday, January 14, 2006

Ladies and gentlemen! I present to you...Lincoln University Alumni.

I know this asshole. He was a jerk in school as well. Now, he's a jerk in the papers and a liar to boot! Dumbass! I am not sure why, but this does give me a little joy inside.

(Edited by Mrs. B to fix the page format)
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Uh, so. Yeah. I feel guilty for not telling everyone this in person. I mean, really, this is the kind of news that you should deliver face-to-face. But I'm afraid I'm not going to have the opportunity to do that, so blogging will have to suffice. So here it goes: The truth is, we're never going to see any of you ever again. I'm sorry. We're not coming home.

Yep. Sorry. But you can come visit us here in Puerto Rico any time!
Everybody here should just STFU.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
If you have a few minutes, and/or 2005 made you sad, you should read this.

Happy New Year, everyone!